Keri - Crowe - 1st Edit by Tam

I was adopted when I was 3 weeks old.  All I knew of my biological parents was that they couldn’t handle my medical issues.  I had a ventricular septal defect and was very sick as a baby and young child.  My adoptive parents never made my adoption a secret.  They loved me and that was all that mattered.  They were wonderful parents and were very good to me.  I was the child they could not have.  They were killed on my 18^th birthday in a car accident.

Who are you?  If you’re telling the story from her perspective, as 1^st person, what’s her name?? 

I grew up in a great big farm house located on an acre of land in the foothills, with the nearest house was over a mile away.  The house was about 3,000 square feet.  There were 4 good size bedrooms upstairs with 2 bathrooms, a storage space over the kitchen, and another 4 rooms and bathroom under them.  The main part of the house was open with 22 foot ceilings.  The kitchen was a good size; there was a large open dining room and a living room.  There was another bedroom off the back stairs with a powder room underneath.  There was another set of stairs at the front of the house creating a short hallway.  My father had built the house himself in 1965.  They had planned on having a large family, but things didn’t work out that way for them.

I started working at Sea World in December after I turned 18.  I had lost my family (HOW?) and was trying to start over.  From the second I got to the whale and dolphin show arena, was obvious this was a very tight-knit group.  It took a bit for them to warm up to me.  I was into my third week before they started to consider me one of them as well as for me to get to know everyone.  Most of them were really nice.  I became fast friend with a girl named Stacy. 

There is more than one Sea World.  Which location are you talking about?

There was one person that was kind of elusive.  He was always on the periphery, always there when needed, but never really there.  He was always dressed in a full wet suit from head to toe.  He spent more time in the water than he did out.  He would be there to hand you something or get the next show set up and then he was gone.  Everyone called him Seal.  I am not sure anyone actually knew his name.   He didn’t hang around and he didn’t socialize with anyone.  Something about him intrigued me. 

I had been working for about a month when a prop I was moving started to tip over.  Seal grabbed the long pole and helped me get it into position.  His arm brushed mine.  Even through the wet suit he was aware of the touch.   It was the first time I had really looked at Seal.  He had the most beautiful blue eyes, high cheek bones, and bronze skin.  There was a longing inside me I didn’t understand.  Those eyes drew me in.  When I realized I had been staring too long, I pulled away and said thank you. It seems lame to say ‘Thanks Seal’, it just didn’t seem right.  I was raised to call be people by their proper name, to always be polite, and to remember my manners.  I was even more determined to learn his name.  It was a simple process of elimination.  I knew everyone else’s name so I looked on the schedule.  I figured Seal to be JC.   

The next morning when I got to work JC was feeding the dolphins.  I said, “Good morning JC.”  He just stopped and looked at me.  In the 2 years he had worked there no one had ever called him by his name.  No one had ever taken the time to more than acknowledge his presence or yell when he was needed.  There was a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth.  I had made an impression. 

I had gotten into a routine.  Most days things were the same at work.  Just the schedule changed.  Most of the crew would go out on Friday night to a local club.  It was 18 and older so I could get in if I wanted to.  I had gone a couple of times.  I noticed JC never came.   

JC noticed her the first day she worked at the show.  She was beautiful.  There was just something about her that intrigued him.  He found himself finding reason to be around her.  He knew her name was Kyra.  He wanted so badly to talk to he, to say hi to her, but he was so afraid of rejection.  She had been there for about a month when a prop she was moving started to tip.  He was so glad he was there to help her.  He knew she could have been hurt if it had fallen over.  He grabbed the pole and their eyes met.  He was surprised and pleased the next day when she called him by his name.   Someone had learned his name.  How long had he worked there?  How long had he been called Seal?  He knew he could fall for her, if he would just let it happen.

Kyra made a big impression on JC.  He found himself being friendly, actually smiling.  It was something he hadn’t done in a long time.  He wanted her to know he liked her, but he was still so scared of letting his feeling show.  He came up with a brilliant idea.  He started leaving little notes I her locker.  He signed them ‘Your Secret Admirer.”

I made a point of seeking JC out at least once a day.  I would stop and say hi, ask how his day was.  He was slowly opening up to me, becoming friendlier.   It was about this time that I started receiving little notes in my locker.  They would say simple things, just little notes that said hi.  They were always signed ‘Your Secret Admirer.’

Six months had passed since I started working at Sea World.  It had been a late night.  Usually we were out of there by eleven, but on this night it was almost midnight.  I thought everyone had left.  The dolphins were making a lot of noise so I went to investigate.  There was a guy sitting by the dolphin tank.  He was wearing blue jeans, a worn leather jacket, and a baseball hat.  He had long black hair pulled pack in a pony tail.  I had no idea who it was.  I walked over to see who it was.  He turned to look at me.  Those amazing blue eyes met mine.  I had never seen him wear anything but his wet suit.  He was very handsome.  He turned back towards the dolphins and was just staring off into space. 

“Are you all right?”  I got no response.  “You don’t look all right.  You look like you could really use a friend.”  He still didn’t respond.  “I am going to sit over here and if you want to talk I am here.”  I sat down on the cold cement with my back to the wall.  I couldn’t take my eyes off him.  He was so handsome.   

Watching his back I got those feeling again.  I didn't know how to explain them.  I wanted to touch him.  I wanted to run my fingers through his hair.  I wanted to hold him tight.  I don’t know when I fell asleep.  I awoke to find his jacket over me.  It smelled of leather and him.  Again I was flooded with this feeling, a tingling sensation down there and butterflies in my stomach.  Is this what it feels like to be in love?  I hoped so.  He was leaning over me asking if I was awake.  Those beautiful blue eyes were looking down at me with concern.  They were rimmed red and I knew he had been crying.  He held out a hand and helped me to my feet.   I marveled at the strength of his grip.  He never did say anything we just walked out in silence. 

Who was this person?  Who sits with someone they barely know.  How can she show so much concern for me when I haven’t given her any reason to.  I wanted to talk to her.  I need to talk to someone, but what would I say.  ‘I’m upset because I found out my estranged wife killed herself today.  By the way I really like you.’  Yeah like that would go over well.  Why is she still there?  Why won’t she leave?  I will have to leave her a special note tomorrow.  How do I do that without letting her know who I am?

Most of the guys at the show that were interested in me had actually asked me out.  A couple of them just flirted, except JC.  He was friendly but aloof.   I thought he was my secret admirer until I received a letter a couple of days later, it read, “I heard what you did for a friend.  That was very nice of you.”  I knew it had to be referring to JC, but I couldn’t for the life of me think who could have put it in my locker.  If it wasn’t JC, then who was leaving me the notes?  Who else knew about me sitting with him that night?  No one else had been there.  I was completely lost.  I really hoped it was JC.  I really liked him.  I wish he would just talk to me.    

The show went on.  Working at Sea world was so much fun.  Stacy and I had become really good friends.  JC was beginning to open up some.  We were more than just acquaintances, but I wouldn’t really say we were friends.  I could tell there were walls up and although I had made an impression with him he was still very distant.  We were starting to hang out together outside of work, doing things on the weekend.  We would get dinner sometimes after work, or maybe catch a movie.  A movie was always a big hit.  You could be together, but didn't actually have to talk to anyone.    

Stacy had moved in with me in June.  Even with two people living in my house it still seemed empty.  I knew JC had been fighting with his landlord for a while.  Stacy and I had tossed around the idea of asking JC to move in with us.  I was torn on the idea.  It would be great to have another person in the house, but every time I got near him I got weak in the knees.  I didn’t know how well that would work.  I knew JC was my secret admirer, but he still wouldn’t admit it.  

It was November.  I had been at Sea World for almost a year.  One day JC came in looking upset.  He’d had it with his landlord.  There were roaches everywhere from the people next door, the heat had been off for over a month and the oven was on the fritz.  I guess he had finally had enough.  He was in the break room looking through the paper for a new place to rent.  I asked if he was having any luck.  Everything was too expensive.  That was a good reason why he had put up with his landlord as long as he had.  It was rent controlled.  He was paying a ridiculously small amount for his apartment.  He would be lucky to find a small room in a house for what he was currently paying in rent.  He was frustrated.  I mentioned that there was plenty of room at my house.  At first he just blew me off, but a couple of days later he came to me.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.”

“Were you serious about me moving in?” he asked.

“Yeah. I have plenty of space, right Stacy?”

“Yeah like 5 empty bedrooms,” replied Stacy.

“You do?  Really?  I don’t want to be a burden.”

“You wouldn’t be a burden.  I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t serious.”

“Hmm.”

“I promise you won’t be a burden.”   Who said this?  You or Stacy?

“It will be fun.  The more the merrier.”  See above question.

I could tell he still wasn’t sure about the idea, but he had to do something, and soon.  That night Stacy and I helped JC pack up his meager possessions and move to my house. 

The first week was a little crazy.  What the heck was I thinking?  I don’t know if I could be that close to him all the time and not want him even more than I already did.  I was right.  It was hard to be near him.  We had most Friday or Saturday nights off.   Stacy and I usually had movie night on those nights.  We had finished dinner and I was cleaning up.  JC had gone to take a shower.  Stacy had just finished making popcorn and got the movie all set up to watch when JC came in and asked what we were doing. 

“It’s movie night,” I said.

“Movie night?”

“Yeah we have movie night on Friday or Saturday.”

“That’s cool.  Can I join you?” he asked.

“Of course, silly.”

JC had a real sensitive side that he didn’t let me see very often, but every now and then I would get a glimpse.  We were growing closer, but the walls were still there.  I wish I knew what had happened to him.  I wish he would just let me in.  Stacy and I talked about it often.  Time kept on marching.  It was summer again. 

I had known JC for about a year and a half and he had been living with me for about 6 months.  Every now and then JC would take off for a few days.  We knew he went to his family’s farm for holidays, but this was different.  He had been taking off 2 to 3 days at a time for a while and then it stopped.  It started back up about a week ago.  We wondered where he went; what was going on in his life.  He always seemed agitated when he left and down when he returned.

If our schedules were the same Stacy, JC, and I carpooled to work.  Why not, we were all going to the same place.

JC had taken off for a couple of days again.  Usually he would give us a heads up that he was going, but this time he said nothing.  I was worried about him.  That morning I had gone to work with Stacy.  When we came out to the parking lot JC was there waiting for us by her car. 

“JC?  Hey, are you okay?” I asked him.

“Yes.  No.  Shit.”  It was obvious he was upset.  “Are you busy?”

“No.”

“Would you mind doing me a favor?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“I have to go do something I really don’t want to do.  I don’t think I can do it by myself.  Would you go with me?”

“Sure.”

I melted.  It was the first time JC had ever asked for anything.  How could I say no?  We said bye to Stacy and got in his car.  We just sat there for a few minutes.  JC leaned his head back and closed his eyes.  He slowly reached for the keys and then hesitated.  I put my hand on his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.  He sat up and opened his eyes.

I didn’t ask where we were going and he didn’t offer.  I didn’t ask him any questions.  It was very obvious he was upset and agitated.  Twenty minutes later we pull up in the visitor parking of a large hospital.  Again, JC just sat there with his head back and eyes closed.  I was concerned for him.  He finally got out of the car and waited for me.  He still had not told me anything about why we were there.  I followed him into the main entrance, down a corridor to a bank of elevators.  It was obvious that he had been here before.  I actually thought he was going to turn around and run before the elevator arrived. 

We got on and he had pushed the button for the 8^th floor.  As we went up each floor he was getting more and more agitated.  He was beginning to panic.  I could see it in his face.  On the 4^th floor he ducked out as some people got on.   I couldn’t get to the door.  I took the elevator up to the 5^th floor and got off.  It took a few minutes to get another elevator going back down.  I got off on the 4^th floor and looked around.  I wandered the floor for about 15 minutes.  I couldn’t find JC anywhere.  I didn’t think he would leave me there.  I decided to go on up to the 8^th floor. 

I rode up to the eighth floor and got off.  I had no idea why I was here or what I was doing.  Down a short corridor there was a nurse’s station.  I noticed there were white boards outside the rooms with names on them.  I walked around until I found one that read Crowe and went in.   On a table there was a familiar leather jacket and baseball cap, but otherwise the room was bare and impersonal.  There was nothing for me to, but wait.  I sat down and leafed through the magazines on a side table.

How did she know to enter the room with “Crowe” on the door?  There is no mention of this name in the story up to this point. 

I was still receiving notes in my locker.  I was pretty sure they were from JC.  They were always very neatly written out.  Anytime JC actually left me a note, or gave me a card for my birthday it was printed in perfect block letters.  He had slipped up.  A couple of months before he had given Easter cards to Stacy and me.  Mine was handwritten in that perfect printing, but he had signed Stacy’s, Love JC.  I instantly recognized the ‘love’.  I now was sure the letters were from JC.     

I had started out putting all the notes I received in a shoe box.  It wasn’t long before the shoebox was full so I bought a notebook.  I was about halfway through the shoebox.  I almost always had it with me in my backpack.  I decided this was as good a time as any to work on it.  I liked to put them in chronological order.  The one thing that I always thought was funny is that they were written out like a proper letter.  Date in the upper right hand corner, addressed Dear Kyra.    

JC got off the elevator on the 4^th floor.  He wondered what he was doing.  He knew he couldn’t go up there and now he had left Kyra alone and confused on the elevator.  He couldn’t imagine what she must be thinking.  She probably thought he was crazy.  He hated that he was back at this hospital.  He hated that he couldn’t actually go up to the room.  He thought he could do it with Kyra by his side, but he still wasn’t strong enough.  He hated knowing that he had failed Kevin again.

This is the first time the author’s name is spoken.  Her name should be mentioned within the first couple of pages.

I had lost track of time working on the notebook when a bed was wheeled in.  A nurse and couple of orderlies helped him move from the gurney to the bed.  He looked awful.  I didn’t know what to say.  Why was I here, why was he here, what did he have done.  All was quiet.  For maybe 10 minutes I just sat there looking at his back.  He was facing away from me.  I was not even sure he knew I was there.   Then he suddenly moaned, said pan, and leaned over the side of the bed.  Pan, what pan? I looked around and saw a small bucket and took it over to him.  He started throwing up.  I held his long hair back and wiped his mouth.  It was the first time I had ever been able to touch his hair.  I don’t know how many times I had wanted to reach out and brush his hair out of his face.  This is not what I had in mind. 

Why did she want to touch his hair?  Did it remind her of something?  Who is he?

A volunteer came in to help and I told her I could handle it.  She suggested that a cold compress on the back of his neck would help.  I felt so helpless.  He would throw up for a while and then settle down for a bit.  Then start up again.  He finally drifted off to sleep after about four hours later.

I don’t know how long I had been there when the nurse came in with a bucket of ice water and some wash cloths.  I don’t think she noticed me at first.  It seemed she was mostly talking to herself.

“I see the new cocktail is harder on you.  You usually have a couple of hours before you get sick.  I would have been here sooner, but I got caught up with another patient.  Melissa said you had some help today.  She wasn’t sure who she was.”  She stopped as if just noticing me.  

“Oh hi, I am Sandy, Kevin’s primary nurse.  Are you their sister?” she asked me.

“Sister?”

“Yes, sister.”

“Wait, Kevin?” 

“Yes, Kevin.  Who did you think it was?”

“JC,” I replied.

“JC?

“I came here with JC.”

“JC is here?”

“Yeah I came in with him.  He ducked out of the elevator on the 4^th floor.”

“He actually got on the elevator?” 

I was getting the impression I was talking to a parrot.

“There are two of them?”  I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of twins.  I was totally confused. 

“Didn’t JC tell you?”

“He didn’t say anything.  He just said he had to do something he really didn’t want to do and asked if I would come with him.  I had no idea why we were here.”

“That sounds like JC.  This is his twin brother Kevin.  He has leukemia.  JC usually just stays down in the sanctuary or out in the garden.   You can see it from the window.  That is why the blue circle is on the window; so he knows which room Kevin is in.  There is food, sodas, juice, and coffee in the guest lounge if you want anything.  Just don’t take anything with a name on it.”

This loses the reader.  The blue circle should be mentioned after she initially enters the room. 

“Thanks.”

So many things made sense now.  Now I knew where JC went when he would take off.  Now I knew why he was upset when he came back. 

Kevin woke up and saw a young girl sitting by his bed.  He wondered who she was.  She wasn’t a regular volunteer.  He knew all of them.  Was she new?  She seemed unsure at first, but had not backed away when he got sick.  Who was this angel who stood by his side?  He couldn’t explain the attraction he felt for her.  Somehow he knew it wasn’t right.  He saw the notebook sitting by her on the bed.  He knew he probably shouldn’t probably look, but he couldn’t resist.  He was too curious.  He opened it up and saw a note that had been folded up in a plastic clip cover.  He recognized the handwriting instantly.  He looked at this sleeping girl and knew she was JC’s angel.  The girl he was totally in love with.  Did that mean JC was here?  She started to stir.

I was exhausted.  We had gotten to the hospital around 7 pm; Kevin had come back to the room around 8.  It was now after midnight and I had been up since 5.  My head hurt.  I was also stuck until JC showed up since he drove us there.  I sat in a chair by the side of the bed and leafed through the notebook.  I must have dozed off.  I was aware of someone’s hand on my head.  I was still sitting in the chair with my head on the edge of the bed.  I don’t know what time Kevin had woken up.  He was looking through my notebook.  I was upset.  That was private.  I didn’t really matter though he already knew about all about me and the notes.  JC had told him about everything. What he didn’t realize there was so many of them.

The highlighted sentence doesn’t make any sense.  Is it missing a letter or word?

“Well looks who’s awake,” she said.

“Hi.”

“I guess you were my angel last night.”

“Yeah that would be me.”

“Thank you.  You didn’t have to stay, or help me out.”

“I didn’t mind.  Besides I am kind of stranded until JC shows back up.”

“JC’s here?”

“Yeah.”  De-ja-vu.  Didn’t I have this conversation with Nurse Sandy last night?

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know.  I haven’t seen him since we first got here.”

“That’s typical.”  He was still flipping through the pages.  “Do you know who your secret admirer is?”

“It’s JC, isn’t it?”

“You win the million dollar prize.  He really didn’t tell you anything about me?” 

“He hasn’t told me anything about his family.  All I know is that there is a family farm somewhere.  He doesn’t talk much.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.  He went through a really rough patch a few years ago.  I am sure he will tell you when he is ready.”

“I keep telling myself that.”

“Hang in there.  I know you are special or he wouldn’t have brought you here.”

Kevin and I talked for over an hour.  He was so easy to talk to.  He told me that he just came back to the hospital two days ago.  He’d had round of chemo a few months before.  He had come back for a check-up and the news was not good.  They wanted to start him on a stronger drug immediately.

Kevin told me that JC was afraid to come to the hospital.  He was afraid it would make the cancer real and if the cancer is real then he could actually lose his brother.  Kevin was a lot easier to talk to than JC.  They had the same basic personality, but he was much more outgoing.  I was putting the notebook back into my pack when JC came in. 

JC was standing at the doorway.  I am not sure how long he was there before we noticed him.

“You can come in.  I’m not contagious you know.”

JC walked over to the table. 

“I am so glad you came.  I know it isn’t easy for you to be here.”

It was obvious JC was very uncomfortable being in the room.  He gave Kevin a strained smile and turned to me.

“I am sorry I kept you here all night,” he said.  “We should go.”

Kevin was tired and was drifting off.  Sandy came in to check on him.  She pulled us aside.  “I am glad he finally has some visitors, but the chemo wipes him out.  He needs to sleep.  You can come back tomorrow.”

My vacation started with that visit to the hospital.  I had to take vacation time and I had 3 weeks of nothing to do.  I figured I would visit with Kevin as much as possible.  JC had to go back to work the next day and I could tell that Kevin was lonely.  JC and Kevin’s parents lived 6 hours away on a farm.  They didn’t have time to come and visit.  Their sister and a cousin had visited a couple of times the last time he was there, but it was a long drive.  Mostly he had been in the hospital all alone.  The statistics say that patients heal faster with family and friends around, so I was going back.  I didn’t really have anything better to do. 

Kevin and I talked when he was feeling up to it.  I read to him a lot and worked on puzzle books.  It was so easy to get close to Kevin.  I instantly found myself becoming fast friends with him.  The three weeks flew by.  I would visit him anytime I got off early or I had a couple of days off.  We had a bond that I just didn’t have with JC.  A bond I desperately wanted. 

Things at work were great.  JC was opening up more.  Not just to Stacy and me, but to everyone.  He had a wicked sense of humor and often had us all laughing.  He also had a sensitive side that really touched me.  I really wanted the same bond I had with Kevin.  JC just wouldn’t let me get that close to him.  I was beginning to get frustrated and a bit discouraged. 

Kevin had just gotten his round dose of chemo.  It was really taking a toll on him.  I was waiting for him when they rolled him back in.  He was looking thin and pale.  That night as I was pulling his hair back it came out in clumps.  I didn’t even realize I was crying until he asked me what was wrong.  He blinked back the tears when I showed him his hair.  His thick, jet black, hair was down to his waist.  It had taken him several years to grow it out and now it was all falling out. 

I called JC and told him about the hair loss.  He was going to meet me at the hospital after work.  I cried when JC walked in with his head shaved.  When Kevin was first diagnosed they had made a pact that if Kevin’s hair fell out JC would shave his head.  It killed me to see both them with bald heads.

It had been four months since I met Kevin.  The chemo wasn’t working.  He was getting sicker.  The doctors had hoped they could avoid a bone marrow transplant, but he needed a one.  What luck to have an identical twin?  He was the perfect match.  We both took four weeks off work for the prep and recovery time.

JC was doing a lot better about going to the hospital, but he still wasn’t too comfortable being there.  The idea of having any type of procedure done was another thing altogether.  I knew he was nervous, but as the day was getting closer he was getting worse.  When he started throwing up I wasn’t sure he was going to go through with it.  I called his doctor to get him something to calm his nerves.

We arrived at the hospital at 7 o’clock in the morning.  They took JC away to prep him for the procedure.  I went to check in with Kevin.  He had been given intense doses of radiation to kill his immune system before the bone marrow transplant.  They had him in an isolation room.  I was able to talk to him, but not go in and see him.  JC was put in the isolation room next to Kevin.  At least they were together. 

Most bone marrow donors have pain and discomfort for about 3 weeks.  JC was not normal.  2 weeks after the procedure he was still in a lot of pain.  I hated seeing him like that I hated leaving him at home so I could go visit with Kevin. 

In the weeks following the transplant there was talk of where Kevin would go when he was released.  He had been in the hospital for six months.  He had given up his apartment after the first round of chemo.  He didn’t want to go back to the farm.  He was also going to need more care than he could provide for himself, so I suggested he move in with us. 

At first he rejected the idea.  He knew things were finally progressing for JC and he didn’t want to be in the way.  He also didn’t want to admit to himself that he had fallen for me.  I finally convinced him it would fine.  It was agreed that I would take a leave of absence at work.  Kevin was going to need a lot of care.  He was still very weak from the transplant.  Just taking a shower would wipe him out.

We brought Kevin home and got him all settled in.  I was walking by the room and saw the two of them, JC was crying.  I felt like a peeping Tom watching them. 

“I am sorry.  I should have been there more for you,” I heard JC say.  

“I understand.”

“I thought I was going to lose you.” 

“I know.  I think I would have done the same thing in your shoes.”

“No you wouldn’t.  You would have been there everyday with me.  You have always handled stuff like this better than I do.”

“JC, don’t be so hard on yourself.  I knew you were there.  I could see you in the garden.”

“Thanks, Kevin.”

Is this the beginning of Chapter 2?  Will you be starting your chapters by using Italics?

I never really needed the job at Sea World.  My parents had left me with a sizable amount from life insurance.  I had also bought a lottery ticket on my 18^th birthday and had won 64 million dollars.  I had taken the job to keep myself from going crazy.  When my parents died I had lost everything.  They were the only family I‘d had.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was slowly rebuilding my family one Crowe at a time.

Is Crowe the family name for JC and Kevin or Kyra?

I had caught a few glimpses of scars on JC’s back as he was putting a shirt on thinking no one was around and after he had shaved his head.  They started just above his collar and continued below his waist on the left hand side of his back.  They also went down his left arm almost to his elbow.  I figured it was probably from a burn.  I wondered if they had anything to do with the walls he had up.  I had asked Kevin about the scars once and he told me I would have to wait until JC ready to tell me about them.  Although we had gotten much closer he still hadn’t let me in.  He was an enigma, wrapped up in a contradiction. 

Kevin had been with us for a couple of months.  I had never seen Kevin or JC get mad, but they had been having an argument for a few days.  I overheard part of the conversation. 

“JC, she isn’t going to wait forever.  She knows you are her secret admirer.  She is totally in love with you.”

“I don’t want to lose her.”

“You’re going to lose her if you don’t make a move soon.  She has been waiting for over a year.”

“But what if she sees the scars and freaks out like the others?”

“God, JC, she isn’t some shallow girl you picked up in a bar.  She’s in love with you.  I don’t think she will care, but you won’t know if you don’t try.” 

JC almost ran me down barreling up the stairs.  I caught Kevin’s eye at the doorway to his room.  He just shrugged.  He had told me he would talk to JC.  He wasn’t sure it did any good.  I guess now all I could do was wait for him to talk to me; as if I hadn’t already been doing that.

JC was loving towards me.  We hugged and cuddle when watching movies, but he was never overly demonstrative.  He was always just out of reach.  (I think “affectionate” might be a better word.  Your call.)

A few nights later Kevin left to go to their parent’s farm.  JC had been jumpy and tense ever since the fight.  I was in the kitchen washing dishes.  JC came in to help me.  He leaned over to grab the towel and he was so close I could have kissed him.  He quickly pulled away.  We had had several close encounters like that.  I wanted him to kiss me already.   I wanted that first kiss.  I didn’t know love could feel so good and hurt so bad.  I never understood all the songs about broken hearts, but I had never been in love before.  I understood now.

Later that night while we were watching a movie he finally made his move.  There were still walls up, but the layers were slowly peeling away.  My first kiss.  I had been waiting so long for that kiss.  I didn’t even know I wanted it until I met JC.  After that, we cuddled, more we kissed a lot, and in general we were happy. 

We would have been happier, but those damn walls were still there.  He would only let me get so close to him and then he would back away.  I felt like were in a dance constantly taking two steps forward and one step back.  I had just celebrated my 20th birthday and I wanted so much more than just kissing.  At the same time that thought scared me to death.

The holiday season was upon us.  We had celebrated my birthday and a quiet Thanksgiving at home, but Christmas was coming.  Stacy was going home to celebrate her birthday and to spend Christmas with her family.  Kevin insisted that the rest of us should all go to the farm for Christmas.  I was excited.  I had been alone the last two Christmases.  The first one was right after my parents died, last year JC had gone home.  I really didn’t want to spend another Christmas alone.  JC was hesitant to take me home, but finally gave in.

We left for the farm on December 20^th.  The trip was fun.  We stopped every couple of hours to stretch.  We had some good conversations.  I knew JC and Kevin were ¾ Navajo, but it never occurred to me that their parents’ farm would be on a reservation. 

It was a picture perfect scene.  There was a big, old oak tree out front and off to the right there was a large pond with several trees around it.  The house itself was a one story farm house.  There were 5 bedrooms, a nice size living room, a spacious eat in kitchen and 2 bathrooms.  It was modestly furnished with country charm, nothing fancy, and I liked it a lot.  There was a barn with stables off to the left.  There were a couple of horses in the paddock.  To the right was a field of wheat, and some cows across the road.  It was a working farm.

We parked in front of the house.  Theresa Crowe came out to meet us wiping her hands on her apron.  She was a petite woman, one of those women that you wonder how she could have possibly given birth to two 6’5” boys.  Kevin got out first on the passenger side of the car she gave him a great big hug.

“Your hair.”  Kevin’s hair was barely stubble.  JC’s wasn’t much better, only having had about 3 months to grow back in.  “At least you have put on some weight.”  She had last seen Kevin just before the transplant.  He had lost about 30 pounds.  He was now sitting at a healthy 195.  “Kyra, must be a good cook.”

How does Theresa know about Kyra?  Did JC or Kevin talk to their mom about her?

“Mom!”

JC and I got out on the driver’s side of the car.  Teresa came around to give JC a big hug.  He squirmed away.

“Jason Christopher, are you getting to old to give you mom a hug?”

Jason Christopher?  He never would tell me what the JC stood for.  I was going to have to remember that for future reference. 

Then she came to me and wrapped me in a big hug.  “You must be Kyra.  It is so nice to finally meet you.  I have been trying to get Jason to bring you home for a while now.  Kevin must be a good influence on you both.”  Only his mom called him by his given name of Jason.  Everyone else called him JC and he seemed to prefer it.

“JC, get over here and give us a hand with your horse.”  A man yelled from the barn. 

At that moment a horse galloped out of the barn with two men running after it.  JC cut him off at the pass.  He ran in an arc to meet the horse threw an arm over his neck and leapt on his back in one fluid motion.  I thought all that was missing was a bare chest, deerskin pants, and a couple of feathers in long flowing hair.  The whole thing made me laugh and realize I as madly in love with him. 

JC stroked the horse’s neck and calmed him down.  He brought him back around to the barn and slid off.  “Kyra, come over here.”

I walked over to the barn. 

“This is my dad, Robert, and my cousin, John.”

At 28 John was only 5 years older than Kevin and JC.  He had lived with Robert and Theresa since he was a year old.  Their dad was a tall, lean, muscular man.  It was obvious he worked hard on the farm daily.

Kevin had walked over to the barn too.  “You are shoeing the horses?”

“No, just Lightning.  He keeps throwing shoes.”

“He has always been a handful.”

Thunder and Lightning.  It was corny, but it worked.  Horses rarely have more than one foal at a time.  Thunder and Lightning were twins.  One had a zigzag mark on his nose the other had an irregular shaped circle on his nose.  Kevin and JC were given the task of naming them.  JC was watching the one with the zigzag on his nose running around the arena.  He would take off at a full gallop and said he was fast as lightning.  It stuck.  The horse was named Fast as Lightning.  The other little foal had gotten out of the arena and ran across the porch.  It sounded like thunder.  So that is how he got his name; Sounds like Thunder.  It wasn’t until Thunder was brought back into the stable that they realized how well the names fit together.

I highlighted this because only Lightning has been mentioned.  Was Thunder mentioned before?  I think it would make more sense.  Maybe instead of saying, “Are you shoeing the horses?” you could say “Are you shoeing T and Lightning?” and then mentioning Thunder, so that the “T” made sense.  Just a thought; this one is your call.

The four of them were quickly deep in conversation.  I headed back to the house.  I found Theresa and their sister, Nikki, in the kitchen.  There was food spread out on almost every surface and things in various stages of completion. 

“Can I help you with anything?” I offered.

“Grab that peeler over there and get started on the carrots,” ordered Nikki. 

“Nikki, don’t be rude.”

“Mom she offered!”

“It’s no problem.”  I washed my hands and started peeling carrots.

They were making Christmas dinners for several families. 

               

JC and Kevin came in a couple of hours later.  They were both hot and sweaty.  Kevin looked pale.  It could tell he had over done it. 

“Sit.  Now.” I said.

“Aww, Mom?”  It was a joke we had started when he was still in the hospital.  I would tell him to do something and he would give me the wounded child act.  I got him a glass of water and handed it to him.

“You are still weak.  You shouldn’t be over doing it.”

Robert walked in saying, “That would be my fault.  I had him holding Lightning’s halter.  That horse puts up quite a fight.”

“Robert, you should know better.   Kevin is still weak.”

“Yes, dear.”  Now I knew where Kevin got it.

JC had headed straight for the shower.  He came out a few minutes later wrapped in a light pink robe. 

“Kyra, would you get the suitcases?” he asked me. 

“That is totally your color.”  Who said this?  Theresa, Kevin, John?

“Eww… gross that’s my robe.”

Kevin snickered; JC just shook his head and pointed to the door.

 “I am clean you know,” said JC.

“Jason, that is rude.”

“Mom, she knows I am only joking.”

“I don’t care, you need to be polite.”  She shook her head, “That color really doesn’t suit you.”

I went out to the car to get our stuff.  Kevin came out to help. 

The original idea when the house was built was for all four children to have their own room.  Kevin and JC always shared a room.  They put me in the guest room. 

The visit went way to fast.  I loved being with his family.  They were so nice and welcoming.  Some of the elders from the reservation came to visit.  It was like they were there to approve of me, to give me permission to become one of them.  It was a little stressful and very interesting.  I was learning about their culture and customs. 

Like what?

Is this Chapter 3??

Shortly after we returned home, I took Kevin for a behind the scenes tour at Sea World.  I had been working at Sea World for three years.  I was telling him about some of the props we use when Kelly, one of my co-workers, came up to us.

“Oh good, you’re here.  I need someone tall.” 

Kevin gave me a questioning look.  I just shrugged.  He followed her off.  JC came up a minute later as Kevin and Kelly came walking back. 

“Wait, there are two of you?”

JC smiled, “This is my brother Kevin.”

The director of the whale and dolphin show came over and said the same thing.  She offered Kevin a job.

Kevin really wasn’t looking for a job.  Both Kevin and JC had gone to school and became paralegals, but he wasn’t going to turn it down.  He had been hearing how much fun it was to work there for years. 

This transition seems a little rough.  Maybe some filler on why she wanted to hire Kevin so much?  It just seems jumpy to me.

“Are you ready to go yet?”

“Yeah, yeah, hold your horses.”

“I am going to be late if you all don’t get a move on.”

Four people car pooling together could be more of a hassle than it was worth.  Some days we all took one care, some days we all took separate ones. 

JC and I were really getting close, finally.  I had started calling him Jace.  He still wasn’t quite ready to let me in.  We had been officially dating for 3 months.  We hadn’t gotten past kissing.  I was beginning to think it was me. 

We were sitting on my bed kissing. I reached my hand up his shirt and he pulled away.

“Damn it Jace.  Why won’t you let me get close to you?”

He was standing by the big picture window staring out at the moonlit landscape.  He ripped his shirt off. 

“This, okay.  This.  This is why I won’t let you touch me.” 

I could see the scar on his back clearly in the light.  He turned to look at me and then back out the window.  He stood there silently for a few minutes and then started to talk.  I could hear the pain in his voice.

“There was a girl on the reservation.  Her name was Tracy.  She was a month younger than us.  We hung out all the time.  I was totally in love with her.  About the time she started puberty she started having some mental problems.  I don’t know if I was blind to it, or if I just didn't care.  The other kids talked about her and teased her.  I always stood up for her.  By the time we were 16 both my parents and her parents were telling me to stay away from her, but I was young and in love.  The day she turned 18 we ran off.  We went into town, got married and moved in together.  Things were good for a while.”

He stopped.  I cold see he was fighting to stay in control of his emotions.

“She was always a little crazy, but things got a lot worse.  She would be manic for days on end.  Not sleeping, not eating, just in constant motion.  Then she would crash and sleep for days.  It was tolerable until the paranoia started.  We had been living together for about 6 months when I realized I needed help.  I was afraid to leave her.  Once I had gone to the store while she was asleep and she attacked me when I got home, but yet she would disappear for days on end.  I discovered she was also drinking and doing drugs.  I hated to say it, but I was afraid of her.  I called John to come help me.  She had left two days before and was usually gone for 4 or 5 days when she left, so I thought we had plenty of time to pack up.  John had brought several candles and smudges to cleanse the house while we packed.  There was a half wall off the living room that made a foyer.  He had set up the candles on an end table at the end of that wall.”

He paused for a moment and then continued.

“John and I had gotten most of my stuff packed up and were getting ready to leave when Tracy came back with some of her friends.  She saw the boxes and flipped out.  She was screaming and ranting and totally lost in a paranoid delusion.  She had been holding a bottle of Everclear in her hand and threw it at me.  I was standing near the table with the candles on it when the bottle hit my left shoulder and shattered spilling the 190 proof alcohol down my back, it instantly caught on fire.   John grabbed me and shoved me into the shower and turned on the cold water.  The damage was done.  I had second and third degree burns down my back.  He called the police and an ambulance.  Tracy was caught a few hours later.  Despite what my parents urging I didn't press charges.  I couldn’t.  Regardless of everything I was still in love with her.  She was locked up on a 5150.  That is an automatic 48 hour psych hold.  It turned out she was bi-polar and schizophrenic, which is not a good combination.  She was committed to a mental hospital.”

I could hear the emotion in his voice.  He paused again.  He was wrestling with emotions he hadn’t faced in years.  This was the wall he had up.  This is what he had been so afraid to tell me.  I sat on the bed, tears spilling down my face waiting for him to continue.

“I was in the hospital for 3 months.  I had to wear compression clothing for months.  It was about 5 months after that I started at Sea World.  The tightness of the wetsuit actually worked really well.  It didn't look stupid like the special clothing and the wetness actually kept the skin supple and healed better.  At first the scars didn’t bother me that much.  Kevin and I would go out and pick up girls.  The problem was what happened after.  I would date them for a short while and then they would see my back.  The nice ones were just turned off by the scars but the others were down right grossed out.  I guess the walls went up after that.  I didn’t want to be hurt anymore, so I just didn’t let anyone in.  I guess that is when I totally withdrew.  It worked well for two years.  Then I met you.”

He turned around and faced me.  I could see the tears on his face. 

“From the first time I saw you I knew you were the one.  The first time you called me by my name I knew I could fall in love with you and that really scared me.”

He turned back toward the window.  I walked up behind him and ran my hands over his back, then under his arms resting my hands on his shoulders. 

“I already know about the scars.  I don’t care.”

“How?”

“I have seen your back several times.  When you have changed your shirt, when you have gone to your room wrapped in a towel.  The scar on your neck was visible once you shaved your head.”

He turned around and hugged me tight.  “I love you.”  It was the first time he had said it.   

“I love you too.”  We kissed, this time more passionately.  There was electricity in his touch.  He left me weak in the knees.  I wanted him so much in that moment. 

He led me back to the bed. His hands were shaking as he undressed me.  Then he got undress.   We kissed and he gently fondled my breasts.  I gasped.  He stopped and looked at me.  I just smiled.  I was so nervous. 

He kissed my neck and throat slowly sliding his hand down my stomach.  Slowly his hand slid between my legs, he pushed a little with is hand and I spread my legs to accept him.  He was met with wetness.  He gently explored the fold and crevices.  I gasped again as he slid his finger between my waiting lips.  I never new anything could feel so good.   

He slowly slid between my legs.  He was being very gentle.  Slowly he positioned the head of his penis at the opening and pushed.  Slowly he penetrated me.  I whimpered.  It hurt a lot more than I expected.  He stopped and asked if I was all right.  I smiled and nodded my head yes. 

He started slow with long strokes.  I moved my hips in response.  This was so amazing.  I was on fire.  Down there was tingling and pulsing.  It felt so wonderful.  The rhythm changed.  I didn’t know I was going to climax until it happened.  He came right after I did. 

I couldn’t stop the tears.  I was so happy, so in love with him.  We lay there for a few minutes not saying anything.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”  Then it hit him.  “Wait, was that your first time?”

I bit my lip.  “Yeah.”

“Oh sweetheart, I didn't realize.”

“It was great.  I love you, too.”

We fell asleep holding each other.
 

Again, is this a new chapter?  You need to let your reader know.

I had been working at Sea World for two and a half years.  It was still fun, but I needed something more.  JC and I had been talking to me about taking a few more classes at the local community college.  I’d decided to go back to school.  JC and I had been serious for about 3 months.  I was taking business and accounting classes.  We were separated into groups for a project in business class.  It was a pretty good group, all accept for this one guy, Steve.  No one in the class wanted him in their group; the teacher assigned him to us.  He was kind of creepy.  The other girls in the group and I decided that the study group would always meet in a public place.  We didn’t want him to know where we lived and we certainly didn’t want to go to his place.

It was almost the end of the semester and our projects were due.  We were now meeting 3 times a week to work on it.  One day Steve called to say the meeting place had changed last minute.  There had been a fire at the restaurant we had been meeting at, so we had to go somewhere else.  He said everyone agree to meet at his apartment.  I didn’t feel comfortable about this at all.  I couldn’t get in touch with anyone else, so I agreed to meet with him.  I left the address and phone number by the phone along with a note saying I should be home by 6.  We were supposed to meet at 4.  I had errands to run so I left around noon.  Two of the girls in the group called around 2 to say where we were meeting at.  It wasn’t Steve’s apartment.   

When JC and Kevin got home from work around 4:30 they saw my note and then heard the message on the answering machine.  Kevin wanted to go find me then and there.  JC didn’t agree. 

One of the girls in the group called around 5 to see where I was. 

“Is Kyra there?”

“No, she left a while ago. Who is this? 

“Sarah, from her study group.”

“She isn’t with you?”

“No.”

“She left a note saying you were meeting at Steve’s apartment.”

“That’s weird.  We agreed we would never meet at his place.  He is kind of creepy.”

“Thanks.”  He hung up the phone.  “JC we have to go find her.” 

I don’t know why I didn’t leave when no one else showed up, I guess it was because I was stuck with the project and he knew how to explain it to me.  We studied for about an hour, when Steve offered me a drink.  I should have just told him to bring me the can, but I let him pour it in a glass.  I don’t know what he added to it, but it made me very groggy.

The next thing I knew he was shoving me to the floor and pulling my pants off.

 JC knocked on the door, there was no answer.  He thought maybe we had met up with the others and was about to leave when he heard a muffled scream.  He kicked in the door.  JC grabbed Steve and Kevin punched him square in the face.  It was a total knock out.  I have never seen either of them truly mad before.  They were pissed.  JC tied his hands behind his back while Kevin called the police.  What followed was humiliating, but there was no way Steve was going to get away with raping me. 

Charges had been filed and a case was being built when I discovered I was pregnant.  JC and I had only had sex 3 times and the last time was at least a month before the rape.  There was no question that the father was Steve.  That actually changed things a bit in the case.  Steve maintained that he hadn’t raped me at all.  He insisted that I had had a fight with JC and it was his child.  The judge didn’t buy any of it and ordered a paternity test as soon as the baby was born.  There was too much other evidence to prove him wrong, but this would the icing on the cake.  The paternity test was positive; it was Steve’s child.  It only took the jury 30 minutes to find him guilty of all charges. 

There was no way I could have had an abortion.  I also couldn’t give the baby up for adoption.  The baby was born shortly after the case went to court.  The judge stripped Steve of all parental rights.   I had both JC and Kevin listed as legal guardians.  It actually looked kind of funny.  Since there is only room for one name for an adoptive father it was written in Jason Christopher Kevin Robert Crowe.  I named the baby Christopher Robert Crowe, using both their middle names. 

New chapter??

I had returned to work about 6 months after Chris was born.  It had been four years since I started there.  JC had proposed and the wedding was set for the following spring.  At the beginning of January, Kevin got sick.  I kept telling him to go to the doctor, but after all the time he had spent in the hospital he had no desire to go back.  He could be very stubborn.  When he finally decided he couldn’t breathe I took him to the ER.  He had severe pneumonia.  It would have been a simple visit to the doctor’s office if he had gone 3 weeks ago.  Now it was a week in ICU.  JC and Kevin were supposed to go skiing the second week in February.  Kevin got out of the hospital a week before they were to leave.  Kevin decided with a little persuading it would be better for him to stay home.  It was supposed to be a week long trip and he was in no condition to go skiing.  He really didn’t want to be bored at the lodge the whole time.

Kevin returned to work the day they left.  The week had gone by quickly and I was eagerly awaiting JC’s return.  He called me at 6 o’clock that morning before he left the lodge in Yosemite.  Kevin and I left for work.  It was a typical morning at work but something seemed off.  I didn’t feel right.  I couldn’t out my finger on it, but I knew something wasn’t right.  The first show of the day had just ended and I was helping Kevin tear down the props.  He suddenly stopped.

Who left?  I thought it was just Kevin and JC, but Kevin decided to stay home.  Who went with JC?

“Kevin?” I asked.

“Something’s wrong.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.  It’s just… gone.”

JC and Kevin had told be about the twin telepathy.  I didn’t get it.  I mean I kind of understood, but not really.  I had on occasion gotten a feeling that something wasn’t right growing up, but I could never explain it. 

“What do you mean ‘gone?’” 

“I can’t feel him.  He’s just gone.”

He was very upset, almost hysterical.  I didn’t question it.  I knew he was right.  We had drawn a crowd by now.  Several people asked if they could help.  I didn't know what to tell them.  I didn't know what to tell myself.  I found a phone book and called the local highway patrol.  It was a strange conversation.

“Hello, California Highway Patrol.  This is Officer Hill, how can I direct your call?”

“I’m not sure.  My fiancé was coming home from a ski trip in Yosemite today.  He was supposed to call and I haven’t heard from him yet. Is there any way you can see if there have been any accidents?”

“Ma’am, if I sent out patrol cars for all the people who didn’t call when they were supposed to no work would ever get done.”

“I get that, but it can’t be that hard to check if there have been any accidents reported can it?”

“There is an awful lot of roadway between Yosemite and San Diego;  he could be just about anywhere.  Maybe he had a flat, maybe he isn’t near a town where he can call you.  In 48 hours you can file a missing persons report if he still hasn’t called.”

“Please?  This is going to sound weird and you probably won’t believe me, but he is a twin and his brother knows there is something wrong.  Can’t you do something?”  I begged.

The officer lowered the receiver from his mouth and spoke to someone else in the room.  “Hey Tom, this lady says we should send cars out near Yosemite because her fiancé’s twin brother says there is something wrong.”

“Give me the phone,” said another male voice to Officer Hill.  He paused.  “Ma’am?”

“Yes?”

“This is Officer Cox, how may I help you?” 

“My fiancé left Yosemite at 6 this morning and he should have checked in by now.  I haven’t heard from him.  His brother knows there is something wrong.  Please, can’t you do something?”

“I believe you.  I am a twin.  Where were they and when did they leave?”

“They were skiing at Badger Pass and they planned to leave around 8:30 this morning.”

“When did his brother get the premonition?” he asked.

“About 15 minutes ago.”

“I will contact someone up north and see what I can find out.  It may take me a couple of hours, but I will get you some answers.  If you hear from him before then please give me a call back.  I will give you my direct line.”

“Thank you, so much.”  I gave him the direct line to reach us and hung up.  There was nothing to do now, but wait.

Officer Cox just said he would give her the information.  I think the pronouns are a little mixed up with this line. 

The show must go on.  We continued with the morning shows.  By the time the 12 o’clock show was over, the word had spread throughout the park.  The HR director paid us a visit.  Kevin was barely holding it together.  He had been sitting at a table in the break room with his head down most of the morning.  He was in a state of shock.

“Kyra, Kevin, how are you holding up?” she/he said.

“Okay, I guess.  I haven’t heard anything yet.” 

Just then the phone rang.  I was closest ansdI answered it. 

“May I please speak with Kyra?” 

“This is her.”

“This is Officer Cox.  There has been an accident on Highway 41, just off of Glacier Point Road.  So far I don’t have any details, just that there were two cars involved.  As soon as I get any more information I will let you know.  I will also have the highway patrol and the Yosemite Police contact you if they find anything else out.”

I told him the make and model of the car and how many people had been in it. 

The HR director decided to close the show for the day.  Most of the non-essential people left.  It was quiet.  I finally took Kevin home around 6.  Information trickled in over the next day.  The car matching the description of JC’s car had gone over a 200 foot cliff.  The gas tank had exploded on impact.  There were four occupants of the car.  Autopsies were pending, but it was pretty clear who the four people were.  The other car had hit the cliff head on and the two occupants had also been killed.  There was one person who had been thrown from a car.  They couldn’t determine who he was.  He had a severe head injury and was in a coma and had no identification on him. 

We drove out to the farm.  We needed family.  The next few days were spent in silence.  Positive identifications were finally confirmed a week later for 3 of the four occupants of JC’s car.  One body had received too much damage to positively identify.  They decided it was JC as he was the only one left.  The bones were picked up and driven to the farm.  A memorial service was conducted.  We returned to Sea World one last time for a short memorial service there.  We never went back. 

Kevin relapsed.   His pneumonia was so bad he couldn’t even walk to the car.  After two weeks in the hospital he finally came back home.  He didn’t sleep.  He kept having nightmares. 

“Why can’t I move?  HEY!  HEY!  I can’t see.  Where am I?  I can hear you.  Why won’t you answer me?  Someone talk to me!  Where am I? Why can’t I move?  Help me!”  Kevin was screaming.

Kevin woke up in a cold sweat again.  He had fallen asleep at the kitchen table.  I knew he hadn’t been sleeping well.  I didn't realize he hadn’t been sleeping much at all.  He was afraid to sleep.  He was afraid to dream.  That had been the main dream for a month.  Occasionally he would dream that he was flying through the air, impacting with something and then blackness.  That one was worse.  Then the dreams were evolving. 

For a while he dreamt that he was awake and everyone one kept calling him John.  Then the dreams changed.  This room had bars on the inside of the windows.  He kept insisting that his name was Jason Christopher Crowe and then there would blackness.  He hadn’t told me anything about the nightmares, just that they were driving him insane.

It had been almost 6 months since the car accident; since JC’s death.  I was depressed.  Everything reminded me of JC.  I couldn’t even look at Kevin.  Kevin was falling apart.  He only slept a couple of hours a day.  The nightmares had become constant.  I was spending so much of my time caring for Kevin and Chris that I hadn’t had a chance to grieve. 

Where’s the boy in all this?  He hasn’t been mentioned since his birth.

“Kevin you have to sleep.  You are making yourself sick.”

“I can’t sleep.  As soon as I fall asleep the nightmares start.”  He poured himself some more coffee. 

I didn’t know what to do for him.  I didn’t know how to help him.  I went up to my room and tried to read.  I really couldn’t concentrate on the book.  I looked up to see Kevin standing at my door.  He had taken a shower and was still damp.  He was only wearing a pair of shorts.  Seeing his muscular body always made my stomach perform flip flops.     

“Can I sleep with you?”

“What?”  Did he really just suggest that?

“Can I sleep with you, so you can hold me when I wake up screaming?”

I didn’t know what to say.  I patted the bed next to me.  I was propped up with some pillows.  He laid down with his head in my lap.  I absently ran my fingers through his hair as I read.  It took a while for him to fall sleep.  I finally drifted off sometime after he fell asleep.  I awoke to him screaming.

“NO!  NO!  I will be good.  I will be good.”  He woke up.

“Kevin?”

Kevin grabbed me and held me close while he cried.  I realized he hadn’t cried since the funeral and then only briefly.  He had been holding all the pain and guilt in.  The guilt.  He should have been on that trip.  He should have been in that car.  He should be dead too.  I knew what it was like to lose family.  To lose someone you loved, but I couldn’t imagine what it was like to lose a twin, to lose a piece of yourself.  I couldn’t hold back me tears. We sat there on the bed crying for I don’t know how long.  We were still hugging, still clinging to each other for strength and comfort. 

“Thank you,” he finally said. 

“For what?”

“Everything.”

“Kev, that’s what I’m here for.”

He leaned back and looked at me.  His hands were on my shoulders.  He leaned forward sat there our foreheads touching.  He leaned in and kissed me.  Then he pulled away.  We kissed again.  There was an urgency in his movements.  A burning desire.  He needed to be close.  He needed to feel me, all of me.  His need for me turned me on.  I wanted him so badly.  He was rough, but with an intense passion. 

He pulled my clothes off and stripped out of his shorts.  Kevin slipped between my legs.  Slowly he slid in.  I gasped.  He felt so good.  I realized I had wanted him for a long time.  He started out fast and hard.  There was such intensity to his thrusting.  He slowed down in a comfortable rhythm.  He was taking long strokes sliding all the way in and then almost all the way out.  He felt so good.  I couldn’t believe I was ready to cum so quickly.  He quickened the pace and we both came at the same time. 

I don’t know how long we lay there together.  He rolled off and lay next to me, curled up on his side.  I rubbed his back until he fell asleep.  That was something JC never let me do.

For the first time in over a year Kevin was happy.  I realized I was happy too.  It was like a weight had been lifted off both of us.  Kevin knew the moment he fell in love with me.  It was when he woke up that first morning in the hospital, when his angel from the night before was still there.  Then he was crushed when he realized I was JC’s angel.  I think I fell in love with him before the transplant, but I never let myself think that.  I was still waiting for JC.  I couldn’t fall for Kevin.

We got the invitation to Nikki’s wedding the next day.  We were hesitant to go, but knew we had to.  We had been at the farm a few weeks earlier for Memorial Day.  We didn’t want anyone to know that we were in love.  It didn’t seem right.  It had only been about 4 months since JC’s death. 

This has me confused and seems to appear out of the blue.  Was the family aware that she was serious with someone?  I know that she’s a minor character, but even still, it’s a good idea to keep your readers in the loop just a little bit.

Kevin, Chris, and I arrived at the farm almost a week before the event.  Kevin was playing outside with Chris.  They had been chasing the ducks around.  I was standing at the living room window watching them.  Theresa came over to me. 

“He looks happy,” I heard her say.

“He is happy,” I replied.

“That is because of you.”

“No!?  You think so?”

“Yes.  I don’t think I have ever seen him this happy.”

I froze.  I didn't know what to say.

“I see the way you look at each other.  You are in love with him, and him with you.”

More silence.

“Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“That’s good.”

She walked away.  What the heck just happened? 

Kevin brought Chris in and put him down for a nap.  We walked out to the barn.  Before I could tell Kevin about the conversation, he started kissing me.  John came in.  Kevin quickly pulled away and blushed.

How old is Chris now?  Maybe saying something like… “In strode a handsome man of x years and a boy x years younger than him, yet they seemed to both be the boy’s age…” or something like that.  It’s good to keep your readers updated with the boy’s age; it helps them in watching him grow up throughout the story.

“Hey, don’t stop on my account.  Everybody knows,” John said.

“They do?”  Who said this? Kyra or Kevin?

“Yeah you two are a little too happy.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you,” I said to Kevin.

“I think Mom is happy about it,” John continued.

“Mom?”  I was confused.

“She is?”

“Yes she is.  Yeah I call Theresa, Mom.  Their dad, Robert, is my uncle.  My mom was 16 when she had me.  She dropped me off one night shortly after my first birthday and never came back.

“What about your dad?”

“I don’t know who he is.  My mom wasn’t exactly a good girl.  She drank and did drugs.  I am not sure she knew who my father was.  No one was listed on my birth certificate.”

“It was great that Robert and Theresa took you in.” 

“They didn’t really have a choice.  Robert is the oldest.  Since he was already married it seemed like the natural thing to do.”   He paused for a moment.

“Are you all right?”

“Yeah.  I just wonder sometimes.”

“Mom is happy about us?”  Kevin turned the conversation back to us.

“Yeah, I think she was afraid she was going lose Keri.”  A slip?

“I wouldn’t abandon Kevin.  Besides you are the only family I have.”

“So when’s the wedding?”

Kevin playfully slapped John’s arm.  “Dude give us at least a couple of months.”

We didn’t make love again until we got back home.  We had been home for a week.  It was obvious Kevin wanted me, but he hadn’t made a move.  We were laying in bed. 

“Kevin, what wrong?”

“I’m not sure where to start.”

“At the beginning?”

“But we started in the middle.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The other night.  I wasn’t thinking; I just kind of…”

“Kevin, that wasn’t your first time, was it?” 

Kevin wouldn’t look at me.  I gently guided his face back to mine and walked him through it.  JC had known what to do.  It was kind of fun teaching Kevin. 

JC had only been gone for 4 months.  Chris was just a year old.  Nikki had gotten married.  I was now planning my wedding to Kevin.  Things had changed so much in such a short period of time.  Everything seemed so surreal. 
 

CHAPTER??

Kevin was still having the occasional nightmare.  He still had the dream of flying through the air, impacting and darkness.  He was also occasionally dreaming of the white room with the bars on the windows.  He had no idea why.  Some times he would have jumbled dreams that didn’t make any sense to him and they always left him feeling agitated and disoriented. 

It had been just over a year since the accident and JC’s death.  Kevin, Chris and I had been out running errands.  We got home late.  I stayed in the car putting the windows up.  Kevin had gone to put some stuff in the garage; Chris had fallen asleep in the car, so I left him there for a moment while I gathered stuff out of the trunk.  When I got the front door I found it slightly open.  I thought maybe Kevin had gone in already.

“Kevin?”

Kevin walked out of the garage toward the house. 

“Did you lock the door when we left?”

“Yes, why? 

I showed him the door.  Kevin cautiously opened it.  There was a light on in the kitchen and the TV was on in the living room.  Kevin grabbed the bat out of the front closet and headed toward the living room. 

“Hello?”

JC stood up from the couch.  Kevin dropped the bat.  I moved around him to see what was wrong.

“Jace?  JACE!  Oh my God?  How?  When?”  Did Kyra say this or Kevin?

“Jace?”

He came to us and wrapped us both in a big hug.  We stood there crying and hugging.”  

“Oh shoot, Chris.”  I broke away to get Chris out of the car.  I carried him upstairs and put him in bed while Kevin and JC talked.

“I didn’t think I would ever see you two again.”

“You didn’t think you would ever see us again?  Dude you’re dead.”

“Yeah I read about that.”

“Where have you been?”

 “I think we had better sit down.”

“Good idea.”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”

“We had been hanging out with this guy at the ski lodge who lived near here.  He got into a fight with his girlfriend and she left him there, so we offered him a ride home.  We had just pulled onto the main highway when a car came flying around a corner in our lane.  Larry tried to avoid it, but he swerved back at the last second and swiped us.  The next thing I new I was flying out of the car.  After that there was just blackness.  I guess I was in a coma for a while.  I could hear people, but I couldn’t regain consciousness.  I was trapped inside my head.  I came out of the coma in stages.  At first I was able to open my eyes, but I still couldn’t move or communicate.  When I was finally able to I couldn’t remember my name or anything else.”

“Mommy, I’m hungry,” came a small voice.  Chris is a year old now, right?  His speech is VERY good for a one-year-old child.  If Chris is a year old, maybe him saying “food” or “hungry” or “Mama, hungry.”

“That explains the dreams.”

“What dream?” 

“Right after the accident, I was having nightmares.  In the first one, I was flying through the air, I hit the ground and then blackness.  I still have it on occasion.  There were other dreams that all make sense now.”

We stopped for a bit to make dinner.  We chatted about everyday stuff.  Whether or not we were still working, had we been home recently.  I was finishing up the dishes and JC had gone to tuck Chris into bed.  Kevin came to me, I could tell he was upset and I could guess why. 

‘What are we going to do now?” Kevin asked me.

“We will figure it out later.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I know.  We will figure it out, Kev, I promise.”

Neither of us saw JC standing in the doorway.

We sat back down in the living room to finish hearing the story. 

 “They kept calling me John.  I knew the name was familiar, but I also knew it wasn’t my name.  I finally figured they had labeled me as a John Doe, because I had no identification when I was brought in.  I was able to remember bits and pieces, but none of it meant anything to me. 

“I was told I had been in a car accident.  I asked for newspaper articles.  I didn’t read what had happened, just the part of who had been in the car.  I saw my name and everything came back to me.  I told the doctor that is me.  I am JC.  The doctor had told me no everyone in the car had died.  I was screaming I am Jason Christopher Crowe, why won’t anyone believe me. 

“Next thing I knew I was being sedated.  Anytime I tried to tell anyone who I was, I was sedated.  They insisted I had dissociative identity disorder.  I was moved to a mental hospital for a 48 hour mandatory hold and they never let me go.  The kept me drugged up.  One day something happened and I wasn’t given my medication.  I was pretty lucid the next time they brought them to me.  I started hiding them.  I remembered everything up until the accident after that was kind of a blur, but I knew I wasn’t crazy.”

I broke this up a little bit.

We took a break for a few minutes.  It was so hard to hear all this.  I can’t believe he was in a hospital somewhere and we were getting on with our lives.

Kevin took over some of the story telling.

“I knew something was wrong.  Actually we both did, but I must have sense the moment of the accident.  I couldn’t function.  Keri started making phone calls.  She called the highway patrol and got in touch with an officer that believed her and got the search going. 

“It was 10:30 before we heard back that there had been an accident around noon.  The HR director came and shut down the show for the day and most of the people home.  The officer Keri had first spoken with showed up here with his partner around 7:30 to tell us that your car had gone over the cliff and caught fire. 

“I don’t remember much.  I was in shock.  We drove out to the farm a couple of days later.  It was maybe a week after that the nightmares started.  They started with flying through the air, then not being able to get anyone to respond to me, and being sedated.  I actually woke up screaming my name is not John a few times.”

“Wow.  I can’t believe you were dreaming what I was going through.  That is so bizarre.”

“It never occurred to me it would be related to you.”

JC continued his story.

“I started playing their game.  I would agree I wasn’t JC, but of course they had no one to replace that identity with.  Then I just bided my time.  They had visiting day every Monday.  I had no idea how long I had been there in, but I had been keeping track for about 10 weeks.  They usually let us wander the grounds if we were coherent enough.  One day I wandered over to the parking lot and looked for an unlocked car.  I crawled onto the floor boards of the back seat.  I didn't have any idea where I was and I didn’t have a plan for what I was going to do if they only drove for 15 minutes and parked, but at least I was getting away from that place.”

“Wow, what did the driver say when they discovered you?”

“That was actually quite funny.  We have been driving for about 20 minutes.  We were on highway.  I slowly sat up and said, ‘Please don’t be alarmed.  I won’t hurt you.’  She says, ‘I know you are there.  I saw you get in my car.  I have seen you every week when I visit my sister.  I always wondered what your story was.’   ‘I am not crazy,’ I told her.  ‘They think I am but really I am not.  My name is Jason Christopher Crowe, I live in San Diego.’  She told me she couldn’t get me that far but she would take me as far as she was going.  I climbed into the front seat and we chatted for over an hour.  I found out it had been almost a year since the accident.  She dropped me off and I hitched rides the rest of the way until I got into town and then I took a cab.  It took me three days to get here.”

“Why didn’t you call?”  Who said this?

“I couldn’t get through.  I kept getting a message that the number had been disconnected.”

“Oh that’s right.  We had the number changed.  Someone had given out our number on some credit applications.  I don’t know if they just gave a random number, or if they were dyslexic, or what the deal was, but we were getting calls day and night for someone and the companies wouldn’t stop calling, so we finally had the number changed.”  Who said this?

“I am so happy to be home.  I am so happy to see you.”  He leaned over and gave me a big hug. 

I saw the pained look on Kevin’s face.  I didn’t know what we were going to do.  Kevin and I had been together for 6 months.  We were supposed to get married in a month.  I don’t know what JC expected.   Did he think everything to go back to normal?  I was so torn.  I was so happy JC was alive, but I didn't want to lose what I had with Kevin.  I know that sounded shallow and lame, but it’s how I felt.

It was late and we really needed to go to bed, but I was stalling.  I was washing up the couple of dishes that had accumulated since dinner.  JC came in.

“Kyra, I realize things have changed.  You thought I was dead.  I can’t imagine what that was like for you, for either of you.”  He paused.

“Jace...”

He interrupted me.  “I don’t know what I am trying to say, or what I expect.  I just want you to know I still love you.”

Kevin was standing at the doorway to the kitchen.  I saw tears on his face before he turned away.  I wanted to run after him.  I didn't know what to do.  That night Kevin slept in his room downstairs, JC slept in his old room at the end of the hall, and I slept in my room by myself.  None of us slept well.

JC called his parents the next day.  They were thrilled and shocked.  It was agreed we would go to the farm the following week.  The next few days were really stressful.  We were all walking on eggshells.  I still had feelings for JC, but I was in love with Kevin.  I didn’t know what I was going to tell him.  I didn't want to hurt either of them. 

We packed up and headed out the following Monday.  It was a long quiet trip.  Their parents came out to greet us when we got there.  They all wanted to know what had happened to Jace and where he had been. 

At this point, Kevin headed off to the barn.  I lingered behind.  I didn't know what I wanted to do.  I was so torn.  I loved them both.  Theresa stayed while Robert and JC went into the house.

I sat on the swing under the tree.  Theresa sat down next to me. 

“How are you holding up?”

I just shook my head.  I didn’t know what to say.  I felt like crying.

“I know this can’t be easy on any of you.  Did you get any information on where he had been?”

“Yes.  He told us everything,” I said.

“Do you still love him?”

“I do.”

“But you aren’t in love with him.”

“No, I’m not.”

We just sat on the swing and listened to the wind in the leaves.

In the barn Kevin was leaning against his favorite horse.  “Thunder ,don’t ever fall in love.  It’s a real pain in the ass.”

“It is really?” came a voice.

“John, I didn’t know you were out here,” Kevin said.

“Sorry didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s fine.”

“So is being in love really all that bad?”

“Not until your dead brother shows up to steal back the girl you stole from him.”

“You do realize how dumb that sounds don’t you?”

“Yeah.”  He laughed and shook his head.  “I just don’t want to lose her.”

“Have you talked to him?”

“No.  I don’t know what to say to him.  ‘Hey JC, glad you’re not dead, by the way I am marring in Kyra in a month.’  That just doesn’t sound right.”

“Have you walked a mile in his shoes?”

“Do you know how much I hate that idiom?”

“I know it is corny, but you do need to think about what he has gone through.  Does he know we all thought he wad dead?”

“Yeah, he read a newspaper article about it.”

“Then he probably didn't expect Kyra to be waiting for him.  At the same time, he probably didn’t expect for the two of you to fall in love either.  He has a lot of catching up to do and it can’t be easy for him.  I know you are hurting, but give him some time, okay?”  John’s suggestions made sense.

“You’re right.”  He sighed.  “I am going to go for a ride.  I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

Kevin hopped on the horse bare back and took off.

Theresa and I were still sitting on the swing when Kevin tore out of the barn at a full gallop.   We looked to the barn and saw that John was leaning against the door.  JC came out of the house with Chris and headed to the barn.  Chris came to me and I took him down by the pond to feed the ducks. 

“Hey, John,” JC said.

“Hey JC, it is so great to see you.”  They gave each other a big hug.  “How weird is all this?”

“It is a bit weird.  Are Kyra and Kevin…”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“About 5 months after you ‘died’… okay that is just weird to say.  Kevin said it wasn’t planned. He had been having nightmares and...”

“I get the idea.  I guess I knew things would be different, but I am still hurt.  I really need to talk to them both; I just don’t know where to start.”

He climbed up to the hay loft and to lay down.  It had always been his favorite place to go to think or hide.  Is this JC or John?

Chris had gone in the house with Grandma Theresa, so I walked over to the barn.

“Hey John,” I said.

“Hi.”

“Have you seen Jace?”

He pointed to the hay loft. 

“Thanks.”

I climbed up the ladder and found him laying in the hay staring off into space.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing up here?”

“Thinking.  I used to come out here when I was mad.  I like to listen to the horses and smell the hay.”

“Are you mad?”

“Not really.  I guess more disappointed.”

“Jace, I am so sorry.”

“For what?  You thought I was dead.”

I lay down next to him in the hay.  We just laid there listening to the sounds feeling the breeze coming through the loading door. 

I must have dozed off.  I woke up to find JC looking at me.  I smiled at him.  He leaned over and kissed me.  I melted.  Before I even realized what I was doing we were making love in the hay.  I was so torn.  JC was so familiar, but I felt guilty.  I loved Kevin. 

We both left the barn and went back into the house.  Kevin wasn’t back yet.  He had been gone for about 2 hours.  I was a little concerned, but no one else seemed to be.  We had lunch and talked for a while.  Kevin still wasn’t back yet.  I wandered out to the barn.  John must have been thinking the same thing.  He had almost finished saddling his horse Chloe for me.

“Kevin isn’t back yet.  I think you should go get him.”

“You think he is all right?”

“Physically?  Yeah.  Emotionally…  Has he taken you to his favorite spot?”

“Yeah.  I think I remember where it is.”

“Just follow the trail to the left and you should find it no problem.  If you aren’t back in two hours I am coming after you.”

I mounted the horse and headed out. 

JC saw me leave. 

“You sent her after Kevin?”

“He is having a hard time with all this, too.”

“I know.”  He grabbed a fishing pole and headed to the pond.  Fishing had always been a relaxing activity.

This part seems a little.. unnecessary.  At this point, Kevin is the center of conversation and thoughts; what JC is doing right now isn’t important.  That doesn’t sound how I want it to sound, I can’t word it any other way.  You know what I mean, right?

Is this a new chapter?  Will you use chapter names or just chapter numbers?

I forgot how fun it was to ride a horse.  I knew why Kevin had taken off on Thunder.  There was something very freeing about riding.  I came through the small stand of woods and into a clearing.  Kevin’s favorite spot was at a small spring fed creak just over the hill ahead of me.  I pulled up short when I saw Thunder grazing in the field to my left. 

Why was the horse here?  Where was Kevin?  I looked around for him.  Maybe they stopped on the way back.  I didn’t see Kevin anywhere.  There was a small tree a few yards away from where the horse was standing. 

“Kevin?”  There was movement from the base of the tree.  “Kevin?” 

I slid down off the horse and ran to him.  He was sitting with his back to the tree and was obviously in pain.  “What happened?”

“Snake.”  He was grimacing through the pain.  “There was a rattle snake on the path Thunder reared and threw me.  I landed on my right ankle.  I think it’s broken.  I feel so stupid.  I can’t get back on the damn horse; I always mount from the left.” 

“So you have been sitting here the whole time?”

“No I was over by that boulder.  I crawled over here to the shade.  What took you so long?”

“Your mom told me to give you some space.  I knew I should have come sooner.” 

“I came out here to clear my head.  Now I can’t think straight.  Can you help me back on Thunder?”

“Would it be easier for you to mount with the saddle?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, but can you ride bareback?” 

“Yeah, as long as we don’t gallop.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

I started to help him up.  “Stop,” I said. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.  Let’s get you up.”

“Kyra, I know you better than that.  What is wrong.”

I couldn’t look him in the eye.  I was suddenly feeling very guilty.

“You were with JC weren’t you.” 

It was more a statement than a question.  I still didn’t respond.  He pulled me in and hugged me tight.  I didn’t know what to say.  We just sat there under the tree for a while.  He shifted and groaned in pain.

“We should get you back.”

“The creek is closer.  The cold water will help.  Let’s go there first.”

I helped Kevin up on Chloe and lead Thunder to the boulder so I could get on.  We rode to the creek.  Getting Kevin off the horse was a lot easier than getting him on.  I helped him hobble to a flat rock where he sat down and stuck his foot in the cold water.  He laid back on the boulder.  It was a lot cooler here in the shade by the creek.  We sat in silence.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

It occurred to me that we had been doing a lot of apologizing lately.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.  I guess technically you are still engaged to JC.”

“Kev?!  How can you say that?”

“Well it’s true.” 

I laid my head on his chest.  I wanted to cry.  I was so torn.  I didn’t know what to do.  He ran his fingers through my hair.  I looked up into his eyes and I made love for the second time that day. 

“Kev, I think I need to give Jace a chance.  I know I am in love with you.  That isn’t a question.  I guess I need to find out what I still feel for him,” I said.

“I thought you might say something like that.  I don’t really have a choice do I?” 

I kind of laughed.  It was comical in a way. 

“Yes you do have a choice.  You could say no.” 

“But is that what you want?”  I asked him.

“Truthfully I don’t know what I want.  This whole thing is so confusing.  I always thought love was supposed to be easy.  I guess not.”

We heard a horse approaching and quickly dressed. 

“Are you two all right?”

I stood up. “Jace?”

“Yeah.”

Oh this was going to be awkward. 

He came up over the rocks to where we were.  “What is taking you two so long?” 

He stopped short when he saw Kevin’s purple ankle.  “What happened?”

“There was a rattle snake on the trail back at the field.  Thunder reared and threw me off.  I landed on my ankle.”  I thought we should come here first and soak it in the cold water before we headed back.”

“Well you’ve been gone a long time.”

 “I thought John was going to come after us if we weren’t back in two hours.”

“He had to go help out a neighbor,” said JC.

“Oh.”

“I wanted to talk to you anyway.  I feel like I stepped into the twilight zone.  Kevin, I know you and Kyra are in love.  I don’t want to intrude on that, but at the same time there is so much left unfinished.  I guess I need some sort of closure on the whole thing.”

“JC, let me make this easy on you.  I am in the interloper here.  If you two want to figure out where you stand I will step out of the way and give you some time and space,” Kevin offered.

“Kev.”  I didn’t know what else to say.

“Thanks Kevin.  You know you don’t have to.”

“I know, but if I were in your place I would want you to do the same for me,” said Kevin. 

“We will get this all figured out.”  Who said this?  After you wrote “Kev.” I didn’t know what else to say, it gets a little confusing.

“Now that we got that settled out can we get me back to the house, the cold water is great, but my ankle is killing me. 

It was a lot easier to get Kevin back out to the horses with two of us helping him.  We got him on Chloe and headed back to the farm.  We decided it was too late to take him into town to the hospital that night.  They would probably have to wait for swelling to go down to put a cast on it anyway.  It was wrapped in an ace bandage and he was given a pair of crutches they were able to acquire from a neighbor.  He didn't feel much like dinner so he went to bed early after taking some ibuprofen.  I hung out with JC for a while and then headed to bed myself.

I don’t know how felt about Kevin decision.  I didn’t want to risk losing him to explore where Jace and I stood, but I needed to know for sure.  It was another night of restless sleep. 

Highlighted sentence doesn’t make sense.  I’m not sure where you’re going with it, otherwise I’d have fixed it.

I heard Kevin get up around 3 am.  His ankle was throbbing.  He was banging around in the kitchen trying to get an ice pack.  I got up to help him. 

“Sit,” I said to him.

“I can do it.”

“Not before you wake the whole house.  Now sit.”

“Whatever.”  He hobbled to the couch.  He was in a bad mood.

I brought over an ice pack, propped his foot up on a couple of pillows and sat down with him.

“Are you upset with me?” I asked.

“For?”

“My decision.”

“No.  I am not real happy, but I do understand.  We probably need to set up some ground rules though.”

“Like?”

“Like am I allowed to sit and cuddle you on the couch?”

“Oh get real, would you?”

We drifted off to sleep.  It was the best sleep I’d had in almost a week. 

Theresa woke us up around 6.  “You might want to skedaddle; everyone will be up soon.”

As soon as breakfast was cleaned up, JC and I took Kevin to the hospital in town.  He had a hairline fracture of the tibia.  The doctor said he had sever seen anyone break the tibia and not the fibula.  He was given a CAM Walker, a prescription for pain killers and was told to see his own doctor when he got home.  We headed back to the farm. 

What??

After dinner that night, we were talking about the accident. 

“How was it determined who the 4^th person was?”

“All four bodies were burned, but they were able to match dental records to three of them.  The 4^th body was burned beyond recognition.  There was nothing left of it.  I saw a crime scene photo.  The car pretty much landed on its nose.  It hit so hard the doors popped open and three of the bodies (front drive and passenger, and the left hand side rear passenger) were partially hanging out of the car.  The fourth person was in the middle back and was trapped in the car.  It got the most damage from the fire.  They basically did a process of elimination.  The only other person in the car should have been you.”

“So that poor woman has no idea her fiancé is dead?  Oh man.  I remember his name.  When we get home we need to try to find her and let her know, let his family know, that he is dead.  I knew they had a fight and she left him there, but he called her before we left and she was sorry for leaving him.  I can’t imagine what she thought when he never came home.”

None of us had ever considered who the other body might have been.  We were just so excited to have JC back that wasn’t a real big priority. 

The rest of the week went quickly and all too soon we were returning home.  While we were at the farm we all had slept in separate rooms.  When we got back home the new plan was going into effect.  It had been hard for me not to be loving toward Kevin at the farm.  I was dreading what was going to happen when we got home.  I knew I had to give JC a chance, but I wasn’t really feeling it in my heart.

The next couple of weeks were a bit stressful.  I did still love JC, but I wasn’t sure I was still in love with him.  It was easy to fall back into a groove with him.  He was familiar.  The hard part was seeing Kevin.  For the most part I think he was doing all right with the whole situation, but there were a few times when I knew he has having a hard time with it.  Those were the moments when JC also had a hard time.  There were just times that I caught a pained look from him.  I was trying hard to not be to loving towards Kevin in front of him. 

It had been a little more than 3 weeks since Kevin had broken his ankle.  He was moving some camping equipment in the garage and one of the camp chairs fell over on his foot.  It was protected, but it jarred it something awful.  I came out to the garage to find him leaning over in obvious pain.  I started toward him to comfort him and saw JC out of the corner of my eye.  I went to him anyway.  How could I not?  I knew from the look in Kevin’s eyes he wanted a lot more than I was offering.  I felt so bad. 

CHAPTER??

March had rolled in and was on its way out.  It had been almost 2 months since JC came home.  Things were strained between JC and me.  Kevin had been withdrawing and in the last couple of weeks I had seen very little of him. 

I woke in the middle of the night.  I didn't hear anything, but I knew something was wrong.  I could see faint light coming under my door from downstairs.  There was a light on in Kevin’s room and one on in the kitchen.  I quietly walked down the front stairs.  I peeked into the kitchen and I saw Kevin sitting at the breakfast table.  The lights were dimmed and he was writing on a pad of paper.  I could see the tears on his face. 

“Kev?”  I saw his duffle bag at his feet.  “Kevin?”

I walked over to him.  He stood up and wrapped me in a big hug.

“I can’t do it.  I thought I would be okay, but this is killing me.  This is a lot harder than I expected.”

“Kev, what were you doing?”

“I am going to go to the farm.  I can’t stay here.  I can’t.”

I didn't know JC had gotten up after I did. He came down the stairs and was standing at the kitchen door.

“Kevin, please don’t leave.  I need you here,” I told him.

“Kyra, I don’t want to.  I want to be here with you.  I know things are strained with JC.  I hate seeing you so upset.  I knew moving in here would be a mistake from the beginning.”

“Kevin.  This isn’t a…”

“Kevin, don’t leave.” 

JC walked over to the table, sat down and sighed. 

“I have been trying to find a way to talk to you both.  This isn’t working, for any of us.  None of us are happy.  I am stepping back.  You two belong with each other.  Kyra I still love you, but too much has changed.  I know that.”

“Jace, I don’t know what to say.”

Kevin sat back down.  We sat in the kitchen in silence for a while.  JC finally stood up and left.  Kevin and I sat there a while longer.  I gave Kevin a big hug before going up to my room.  He took his bag back to his room.  We all slept alone, again.

I laid there in the dark.  I was so torn.  I loved Kevin.  I was so content with him.  The 6 months before JC came back had been so happy and easy.  JC always made things so complicated.  Things were so strained between all of us.  I couldn’t really blame him.  I can’t imagine what it was like for him.  To be ignored, presumed dead, told you are crazy, and locked away, only to finally get back home and find out your fiancé is in love with your brother.  When I thought about it like that it was almost funny.  I just didn’t know what to do.  I was so torn.  Who do I turn to?  Who do I love?  What if I love them both?  I knew there was no way to make that work.  I knew someone would always be hurt.  Why did I have to fall in love with twins? 

No need to repeat this thought.

The next couple of weeks were long.  JC went to the farm to help out with bringing in cattle for market.  Kevin had been working part time for the ADA.  He pretty much set his own schedule.  He was part of CASA, Court Appointed Special Advocates.  As part of CASA Kevin had to be the voice for kids that otherwise wouldn’t have a voice.  Usually in custody cases, but sometimes in abuse cases.  The case Kevin was working on had finally gone to trial.  He had been putting in a lot of long hours looking stuff up and being there for a couple of kids in an impossible situation.  The whole thing was taking a toll on him.  He would come home eat and go straight to bed.  I hadn’t seen much of him in almost three weeks. 

When using abbreviations, especially repeated abbreviations, in a story or article, you need to fully spell out what the abbreviation is.  After the initial explanation, you can start using the abbreviation for the duration of the story.

Kevin came home late, took a shower, and crawled into bed with me.  It had been too long.  He curled up to me and buried his face in my hair.  I took his hand as he wrapped his arm around me.  He found my bare breast and gently fondled it.  I rolled back far enough to kiss him.  He slid his hand down guided himself into me.  I wanted him so badly.  He felt so good.  He held me tight, moving in and out.  I could feel his hot breath on my neck.  His breath was coming faster and I knew he was close.  I let go and reached climax at just before him.  We lay there holding onto each other. 

“I have missed you.”  He nuzzled into my hair again.  I love you.”

“I love you too.  We really need to do this more often.”

“I agree.”

We settled back into our old routine.  Life was more or less back to normal.  I loved cooking with Kevin.  We would make grand gourmet meals.  Cleaning was fun with him too.  He could make anything into a game.  Chris was almost 2 years old.  He didn't seem affected at all by JC being back.  He was learning his colors and numbers so well.  I had him in a play group 3 days a week just for social interaction.  He was already much smatter than the kids in his class. 

JC had been gone for almost two months.  They had made two trips rounding up cattle and then he stayed on to help with some repairs around the farm.  He was about to come home when a neighbor asked JC and John to help him bring his cattle.  He came home late one night.  He was visibly upset when he came home.  I heard him put his wallet and keys in the bowl on the entry table. We were in the kitchen when he came in.

“JC, what happened?”   Who said this?

“I don’t want to talk about it.” 

He pushed past me and up the stairs.  I noticed he was limping.  We heard a door shut and water turn on.  Kevin and I looked at each other. 

“Do you want to go or should I?” I asked.

“It might be better if you go.  He probably won’t talk to me.”

I handed the towel to Kevin and headed up the stairs. 

“Jace?” 

I stood outside the door.  I got no answer. 

“Jace, I am coming in.”  I opened the door and entered the bathroom.  I couldn’t see anything through the shower curtain.  For all I knew I was talking to a brick wall.

“Are you all right?  You seemed pretty upset when you came in.” 

Silence. 

“Jace, are you mad at me?  I know things aren’t the way you hoped.  I know this isn’t want you wanted.” 

More silence. 

“Jace?”  I pulled the shower curtain back a bit.  He was standing there under the running water pain etched on his face.  I could see several dark bruises on his left side covering his shoulder and left arm, and from his hip to his calf.

“Jace!”

He looked up and grabbed me pulling me into the shower with him.  He wrapped me in a big hug.  He kissed me passionately and started pulling my clothes off.  There was urgency in his motions and I just went with it.  He lifted me up and without warning plunged himself into me.  I moaned.  He held me up against the wall and kissed my neck as he plunged in and out. 

I could feel his need for release in every sense of the word in his every motion.  I wrapped my legs around him and released with him.  He continued holding me and put his forehead in the crook of my neck.  I could feel his sobs.  He lowered me down and wrapped his arms around me.  He was wracked with sobs.  I just let him cry.  I had no idea why he was so upset, but I knew better than to ask.  I had to let it play out.  When he was ready he would tell me. 

The water was getting cold and he pulled away from me.  He wouldn’t look at me.  He grabbed two towels and handed me one.  I was seeing a pattern.  Both JC and Kevin used sex to get through anything difficult.  I don’t know if that was necessarily a bad thing.  I dried off.  I went to my room and JC went to his.  I threw on some clothes and went back downstairs.  I found Kevin surfing through the channels on the TV.  I stood there watching him for a few minutes.  I could tell he wasn’t happy.  He wasn’t upset, but he wasn’t happy.  I went over and sat down beside him and leaned on his shoulder.

“Kev?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry.”  We both looked up to JC.  “I had to put Chloe down.”

Kevin stood up.  “Oh man, what happened?”

“John and I went to help Tim bring his cattle in.  Three calves got separated and I went after them on Chloe.  It was getting dark.  Chloe stepped off the trail and went down in a ravine.  It was obvious she was in a lot of pain.  I could see both her front and back left legs were broken.  I had to shoot her.  There was no way to get her help.  John wouldn’t look at me the rest of the trip.  He wouldn’t talk to me when we got back.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  I came home.  Mom said to give him some time.  I don’t blame him.   I would be pissed if it had been Thunder.”

Kevin wrapped in a big hug.  “JC I am so sorry.”  Huh?

“I have never had to do anything that hard.  I don’t ever want to do it again.  John agreed that there wouldn’t have been a way to save her.  I think he was mad that I didn't go back for him, that I didn't let him comfort her.  It was getting dark.  I wasn’t sure I could find my way back to her and I didn't want her to suffer all night.”

“Oh, Jace.”  He let go of Kevin and held me.  “You were on her weren’t you?”

It was really more a statement than a question.  He pulled away and headed toward the stairs. 

I turned back to Kevin.  “Go.”

“Kev?”

“Go.  He needs you.”

“Are you sure?’ 

“Yes.  Go.”

I gave Kevin a hug and headed up the stairs after him. 

I headed upstairs to JC’s room.  I knocked, but I didn't wait for an answer.  He was lying on the bed mostly on his stomach shifted to his right side.  I went over and sat down on the bed near him.  I put my hand on his shoulder and he flinched and pulled away.  I forgot about the bruises.  I lay down next to him and put my arm around his waist.  I felt him sigh.  I felt him relax and listened as his breathing became regular.  I drifted off to sleep. 

I woke with a start.  At first I wasn’t sure where I was.  I remembered when JC came back to bed.  He held the covers up for me to climb in with him.  I was torn.  This was beginning to be a familiar feeling.  How were we going to make this work, if they both needed me any time anything went wrong?  I didn’t know what to do.  I didn't think I couldn’t be there for both of them, but at the same time I don’t think I could not be there for them either.  I loved them both.  I drifted off to sleep to fitful dreams. 

This statement is sounding very worn.  I suggest finding another way of wording it.  If you keep using the same statement over and over again, your reader may lose interest.

Kevin found himself lying awake in bed.  He discovered he really wasn’t all that upset about the situation.  Maybe there was some way to work this out.  Maybe they can both love Kyra.  He had no idea what Kyra would think of the idea.  He also had no idea how they would work it out.  He thought it might work if they set up a schedule or something, but that seemed so silly.  Somehow he knew they would figure it out.  He didn’t mind JC being with her if he could still be with her too.  Somehow he knew JC would agree with him.

JC snuggled up to Kyra.  He loved spooning with her.  She was a perfect fit.  He felt himself becoming aroused again.  He was torn. He wanted her, but he kept thinking of Kevin.  He had given her up to him.  How could he be thinking of making love to her again?  The first time was in a moment of need, now was just desire.  What was Kevin thinking?  Was he upset that she had come to comfort him?  Would there be tension between them all in the morning?  He tried not to think about it.  He tried not to think about his longing for her.  He willed himself to be soft to no avail. 

Can you find a different way to word this?

I shifted.  I could feel JC getting hard in the small of my back.  Suddenly I was wet.  I wanted him again.  This is crazy.  How can I be thinking of making love to him again?  What would Kevin think?  I tried shifting again, but that only made it worse.  Slowly I reached around and caressed him through his shorts.   He slid his hand up and cupped my breast, gently rubbing my nipple making it hard.  We slid our shorts off at the same time.  He shifted position and slid in.  He always felt so good.  He knew just how to move to hit all the right places.  I moaned softly as we found a good rhythm. 

“Oh Jace.”

“I love you, Kyra.”

I leaned my head back and bit my lip.  I needed him.  It wasn’t long before we reached release.  We lay there together, his seed spilling out of me.  I was thinking I really should be using some kind of protection.  I really didn’t want to be get pregnant right now.  We drifted back off to sleep. 

I awoke to the smell of fresh brewed coffee and bacon.  I walked down the hall to my room.  I could hear the water running in the hall bathroom.  I got dressed and found Kevin in the kitchen.  He wrapped me in a big hug and kissed me.  He leaned back so he could look at me. 

“What would you say to dating both of us?”

“Both of you?”

“You know how I feel.  I think JC feels the same.  It isn’t fair to ask you to choose between us.  At the same time, I don’t think either of us could choose to walk away.”

“That sounds fair to me.”  JC walked into the kitchen. 

I looked at JC and Kevin.  I hated to admit Kevin was right.  I couldn’t choose between them.  That had become very clear over the last 24 hours, but could I really handle loving them both?

“How would we do that?”  I am not sure I really wanted to know the answer. 

“I don’t know.  Alternate weeks maybe?  Maybe months?”

“What if it is your turn and I need her?”  JC voiced my thoughts exactly.

Kevin turned back toward the stove.

“I don’t know.  I haven’t totally thought this thing through,” said Kevin.  “I just know I don’t want to lose Kyra and I don’t want to take her away from you.”

“I say we give it a try.  If it doesn’t work we will figure something else out.”

“So who goes first?”

“JC, always the practical one.  Flip a coin?!”  What am I thinking?  What am I saying?  Did I actually just suggesting they flip a coin to see who gets to date me first?  Now I know I have lost my mind.

What’s going on with Chris this whole time??  I know you’ve mentioned him a couple of times but, if you bring in a character like him, it’s a good idea to peek in on him from time to time; your reader will begin to wonder about him.

The new system was working well, but it was a little strange.  I started that week with JC and then switched off to Kevin a week later.  We were all supposed to go to farm in a few days for the Fourth of July.  I suddenly realized I didn't think I could keep up appearances for his family.  I also realized JC had not talked to John since the loss of Chloe.  It would be an interesting week.

The drive out was long as usual.  I keep thinking there is nothing holding us in San Diego, why don’t we move closer to the Res if not on it.  Both JC and Kevin think that is a very bad idea.  At least being 6 hours away we have privacy.  On the Res we would have none. 

I totally understand what they meant.  We arrived at the farm on July 2^nd.  There were already people coming and going setting up for the big celebration and feast.  This was the fourth time I had been to the farm for the Fourth of July.  This was the biggest celebration of the year.  Everyone came to the farm because there was so much room.  The front yard was almost an acre in itself.  In two days ¾ of the Res would be at the farm.  The big BBQ was already set and being prepared for the feast to come.  Some meat would start smoking early tomorrow.  In the afternoon plates would be taken to those who were not able to join the celebration.  It always amazed me the way these people all came together for a communal gathering.

JC and Kevin jumped right in helping setting things up.  Even though I had been at a few of these I didn’t know where to start.  I gathered up the kids wandering around and kept them entertained.  I didn’t have much to worry about those first couple of days I didn't see JC or Kevin most of the day.

Whose week was it?

The morning of the Fourth came way too early.  I got up at 6 o’clock, got Chris dressed, and went outside to help set up tables.   I didn’t see JC and Kevin until around 10 when the first guests started to arrive.  I laughed when I saw them.  I had bought six new pairs of denim shorts, two in each shade of blue, and either t-shirts, two in each color.  I had packed one set of each into their suitcases.  I don’t know if they planned it or if it was coincidence, but they were wearing the same thing right down to the worn baseball caps. 

Most identical twins aren’t truly identical.  There is a difference in height, or weight, maybe one has a cowlick, maybe one has a dimple.  With JC and Kevin unless you were right on top of them or heard them talk you couldn’t tell them apart.  Even their mom had a hard time telling them apart.  It was easier when their hair was long.  JC almost always pulled his back where as Kevin usually wore his down, but their hair was still growing back. 

I had seen Kevin several times that morning and I kept wondering where JC  was, until I saw them both together.  It was going to be an interesting day.  Theresa had come to me and asked me if I had put them up to dressing the same around 8.  I had no idea what she was talking about.  Now I knew. 

“Was this planned?” I asked.

They both just smiled at me. 

“If you can’t tell us apart neither can anyone else.”

“Is that really a good idea?”  Is this Kyra, too?

“Tell me who I am and I will go change.”

I rolled my eyes and walked away.  The celebration was great.  It was so fun to mingle with all the family and friends. 

I had seen John several times over the last couple of days.  I noticed he was avoiding JC.  I knew it was bothering JC.  He still felt bad about what had happened with Chloe.

“Hi, John,” I said.

“Hey.”  He wrapped in me a big hug.  It was the first time I had ever gotten a real hug from him. 

“How are you?”

“I’m hanging in there.  Look I know why you are here and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“John, JC is really sorry about what happened.”

“I know.  I also know I shouldn’t be mad, but I am.”

I gave him another hug and he walked away.  I hated that he wouldn’t talk to JC.  I could tell they were both hurting.  I had never seen them mad at each other for more than a day or so.

The day ended and the clean up began the next day.  I had seen JC go into the barn.  Kevin and John were talking and walking toward the barn.  I ran to catch up with them.  I hung back a bit. 

“It is still strange to walk in here and not be greeted by Chloe.”

“Man, I am so sorry.” 

“The thing is I blame myself for the whole thing.  I know JC didn’t have a choice.  I knew there was no saving her.  I’m mad.  I’m mad that I didn’t go after the calves.  I’m mad that I let him take her.  I’m mad that Lightning threw a shoe.  I’m mad that I couldn’t be there for her.  We had a hard enough time finding her the next morning.  I doubt he could have gotten back to her in the dark.  The whole thing was just so stupid.”

“John.”  JC had been in Lightning’s stall.

“JC, I am so sorry.  I shouldn’t have blamed you for what happened.”

“I felt so guilty.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I don’t ever want to do that again.”

“When we heard the gunfire and I was thinking that you were shooting at the coyotes we were hearing, but when you didn’t come right back I knew something was wrong.  I am sorry you were in that position.”  John gave JC a hug. 

“You know you’re lucky, Kevin?” mentioned John.

“How so?” asked Kevin.

“You have got a wonderful woman.”

“Not exactly,” said Kevin.

“What do you mean not exactly?  Wait is she dating Kevin?”

“Not exactly.” 

John was truly confused.  “If she isn’t dating you or JC, who is she dating?  She isn’t dating both of you,?is she?”

JC turned to Kevin, “He’s quick.”

“Please tell me you are kidding.”

I walked up to them. 

“No, we’re not kidding.”

“How does that work.  You don’t, you aren’t…”

“No not at the same time.  We switch off every other week.”

“I don’t know how you do it.  I don’t think I could do that.”

“It wasn’t an easy decision.  You know I was with Kevin when JC came back.  With everything left up in the air, we had to find out where we stood.  We tried a few different ways for a while, but things were too weird.  None of us were happy.  I went back to Kevin.  Things were going pretty well until JC came back.  He was upset and I knew he needed comforting.”  I shifted around on my feet.  “It wasn’t planned.  The next morning Kevin came up with the idea.”

“Wow.  I don’t know what to say.”

“What is there to say?  The whole thing is weird.”

We heard Theresa coming.  “Where did everyone go?”

We all headed out of the barn and got back to work.  There was a lot of stuff still to be done. 

If the rest of the family is to stay in the dark about the relationship, be sure to add in dialogue with John to keep his mouth shut.  You might know that he won’t say anything, but your reader won’t.

The rest of the week was uneventful.  We returned home a week later.  Things were good for a long time.  Kevin was kind of pulling away and JC and I were getting more serious.  I could hear Kevin and JC talking in the kitchen, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying.  Kevin brushed past me as he left.  I walked into the kitchen. 

“What’s up with him?”

JC came to me and took my hands in his.  He looked very serious.

“Can we try again?  Just us?”

I didn’t know what to say.  I was torn.  I did love JC, but I didn't want to let go of Kevin.  Was he sure he wanted this?  I was afraid if I pulled away from Kevin things would not go well.  I didn't want to just say no.  I didn’t know what I wanted to do. 

Try using Google or something to find a different way to see this.  As the reader, this phrase is becoming boring.  Using it once or twice is fine, but any more than that gets old.

“Take your time.  I don’t need an answer right now.”

I walked out of the kitchen.  I didn’t think this arrangement we had was going to last forever, but I wasn’t ready to let go of it.  I had to talk to Kevin before I cold do anything.  I couldn’t do it if I was going to be hurting him. 

I stood in the hallway.  I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes.  I could hear JC washing dishes in the kitchen.  I could hear Kevin reading Chris a bedtime story upstairs.  I am not sure how long I stood there.  I was aware of someone standing in front of me. 

It’s night time?  I was under the impression that it was morning or afternoon.  This should be specified before any dialogue begins.

“Kyra?” asked Kevin.

I opened my eyes to see Kevin.  “Hey.”

“Are you all right?” he asked me.

I looked toward the kitchen.  I could still hear the water running.  I took Kevin by the hand and led him to the living room. 

“JC talked to you, didn’t he?”

“Yes.  I don’t know what to say.”

“I want you to be happy.  If you’re happy with JC, then that is what I want for you.”

“How can you say that?  Are you really okay with this?”

“I don’t know.  This isn’t working for me.  I don’t want to give you up at the end of the week; I want to keep you all to myself.  It isn’t jealousy.  I just don’t want to share you.  I want to be selfish; if I can’t have you all to myself I don’t want you at all.  I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

“Kev, I don’t want you to leave.”

“I won’t leave as long as you are happy.  That is what I want more than anything.”

I didn’t know what to say.  I did want to give it a shot.  I started this whole thing with JC.  I felt I owed him at least once more shot.  I gave Kevin a big hug and walked away.  I went to my room, closed the door and I lay down on my bed.  My mind was a crazy jumble of thoughts and feelings. 

The next morning I found JC in the kitchen wearing nothing but lounge pants making coffee.  It still amazed me how just the sight of him could turn me into mush almost 6 years later.  I did love him.  I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him and held him tight.  He put the coffee pot down and turned around.  He looked down into my eyes and kissed me.  He held me tight.  I heard Chris calling for me from upstairs.  I looked up at him and smiled as I pulled away.  This felt so right.

Is Chris still two years old?  Is he older?  The progression of time is a little confusing to me here.  Kyra and JC have technically been together for 6 years?  Or did she start at Sea World 6 years ago? 

Thanksgiving came and went and it was time to go to the farm for Christmas again.  Something was going on between Kevin and JC.  I don’t know if it had just started or if I just hadn’t noticed it before, but it became obvious as we were packing the car for the trip.  Neither of them would tell me what was up.  It was a very long 6 hours.  I ended up driving most of the way.  They were both annoying me to death.  It was easier to block them out if I was paying attention to traffic. 

It had taken so long to get ready to go that it was almost midnight when we finally arrived at the farm.  Kevin got out, grabbed his bag and went straight to his room.  Chris had fallen asleep so I carried him inside and put him to bed.  JC followed me in with the rest of the bags.  Robert was still up when we arrived.  I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat.  Robert came in.

“Is everything all right?”

“Huh?  Oh, I don’t know.  They were arguing about something while were packing.  That is part of why we are so late.”

“I am sure they will get over it soon enough.  It is good to see you.  I am off to bed.”

“’Night Robert.”

“Hey,” came a voice from behind me.

“Hi Kev.”

“JC hasn’t come back out, has he?”

“No.  What were you two arguing about?”

“Nothing.”  He started to walk away

“Kev, don’t just walk away.  Talk to me.”

“You have to talk to JC about this.  It’s not my place.”

“What does that mean?”

“I can’t tell you.  I’ll see you in the morning.”

He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and went to bed.  I was suddenly very glad I didn’t have to share a room with either of them.  I finish my snack alone and went to bed.

Then next morning JC was in a better mood.  Whatever the problem was it seemed to have been forgotten.  The week just flew by.  Like always, I wasn’t ready to go home.  I again suggested moving closer to the farm.  We didn’t have to live on the reservation.  We could live in the foothills off the res.  I just hated being so far away from his family, my family.

Things were going great.  I was so in love with JC.  It was as if the accident never happened, like he was never gone.  We were even talking about getting married again.  Then something changed.  JC had begun to withdraw again.  He hadn’t put the walls back up, but he was pulling away from me and he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong.  The more he pulled away, the more I leaned on Kevin.  I didn't have anywhere else to turn.  I didn’t have anyone else to go to for comfort.  It seems like we were spending a lot of time together, but JC was shutting me out.  What was I supposed to do?

We didn’t drink.  My family didn't drink and his family didn’t drink.  We never had the desire.  We may have a glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve, but that was a far cry from getting drunk.  JC had been generally pissed off for a while.  That night he got rear ended and that sent him over the edge.  He stopped at a liquor store on the way home and bought some tequila and supplies.  I knew from the second I saw that bottle it was probably a bad idea.

It didn’t take many shots to get us all pretty buzzed.  After two shots I was really buzzed.  I think JC had three and Kevin had four.  I was already tired when JC got home that night.  The alcohol didn’t help any.  I sat down on the couch and by Kevin and ll asleep.  JC went to bed a little while later.  I felt someone pick me up and put me in a bed.  I really didn't think anything of it; I figured it was JC.  I was aware of someone undressing me, but I didn’t care.  I was totally mellow.  I remember making sweet love and falling asleep.  It was after 9 when I woke in my bed.  I could hear arguing from downstairs. 

“How could you?”

“God, JC you act like I committed a felony.”

“No, what you did is worse.”

I walked into the kitchen.  “What are you fighting about?”

“Don’t, don’t you dare pretend you don’t know.”

I looked to Kevin for help.  “Pretend what?  What are you talking about?”

“You really don’t know?”

“I just got up, how could I know?”  I turned to Kevin, “What is he talking about?”

“You know what, you can just keep her.  I am done.  I can’t do this anymore!” yelled JC.

JC walked out of the kitchen.  I could hear him taking the stairs two at a time and his door slam.  My head was pounding and I just couldn’t even pretend to be interested in his hissy fit at that moment.  I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the breakfast table.  Kevin came over to me and put a hand on my shoulder.  He went around to the other side of the table and sat down.  He wouldn’t look at me.  I don’t know how long we sat there when we heard JC in the hallway.  I looked up and saw him walk past with his suitcase.  I got up and ran to him.

“Jace?  Where are you going?” 

“Does it matter?” 

“Of course it matters.  I love you.”

“Like you loved me last night?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Kevin.  You slept is Kevin.”

“When, what are you talking about?”

“Last night.”

I felt like I had been slapped.  “No.  No!  Tell me he is wrong.”  I looked to Kevin, but he still wouldn’t look at me.  “How?  Why?  Kevin.  Jace I didn’t, I didn’t know.  I swear.” 

“It doesn’t matter.  I am tired of the games and I am tired of being second fiddle to Kevin.”  He turned and walked out the door.

“Kevin, what the heck did you do?”

I ran out of the kitchen.  I locked myself in my room.  Now their fight made sense. 

I felt so lost.  I cried until I fell asleep.  Who was taking care of Chris?

It was dark when I woke up.  JC was sitting in one of the easy chairs in my room. 

“You came back?”

“I had to know.   How many times have you been with him?” 

“I didn't know it was him last night.  I’m serious, Jace.”

“I don’t mean last night.  I mean since November.”

“None.”

“None?”

“I haven’t been with Kev at all.” 

“But you two are so chummy.”

“Jace, you have been pulling away from me, from both of us.  I am just friends with Kevin.  Is that why you have been pulling away?  You thought I was with Kevin again? Jace, I don’t know what to say.”

Another chapter??

JC I had been gone for over a month.  We were still fighting.  How could we still be fighting if he wasn’t even here?  Kevin had completely withdrawn.  The only reason I even got of bed is because Chris needed me.  I was depressed.  How could JC treat me like this if he loved me?  He had been blaming me for everything.